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438 Comments

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm
While I’m definitely intrigued, I think maybe this pitch focuses on the wrong plot element to hook the reader. The choice is interesting–but why is he making this choice? What will happen if he doesn’t choose? There’s no sense of motivation, so we don’t know why it matters.

Melonie Johnson · July 16, 2012 at 9:44 am
Name: Melonie Johnson (I got excited and hit submit using Google acct) 🙂

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 1:40 pm
~dies~ I kind of like that “Original Drama Mama” thing.
I love the way this starts: “Devyn Cartwright doesn’t believe in ghosts–or love at first sight–until ghost hunter Ronan Evans challenges her…” It’s a great setup to present a problem and the catalyst for change. After that, though, it gets a little lost–“what she feels in her heart” seems a bit weak, and could be referring to intuition about ghosts or to what she feels for him. The construction leading in to “even as she denies what she sees with her eyes” feels a bit awkward, and a little redundant–I had to read it a few times to figure out what was bugging me, until I stopped and thought, “Wait–sees with her eyes. People can only see with their eyes, so it doesn’t quite work to specify that.”
I think with some punchier phrasing after the initial hook that plays on both romantic tension and any danger inherent (are the ghosts a threat? What are the stakes of this challenge?), you could have a really strong pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm
This is a fairly well-crafted pitch, but for me it’s missing two things:
1. A certain spark that conveys the voice of the story, and
2. Something to distinguish it from the rest of the books on the rather glutted urban fantasy market.
There are tons of urban monster hunter books out there. What makes yours different? What is the extinct creature? You might be able to use that as your hook. I’d say find a way to tell us more (in as few words as possible) about how Sidney’s tied to the creature, as well, and what this signifies. I don’t really feel that this connection to the monster creates any kind of conflict for her. What does she stand to lose or gain from this unexpected discovery?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm
This has a really great premise. I don’t usually go for stories with politicians, but the Southern setting and the hint of scandal chasing a strong female lead–you’ve got great elements here to entice someone to want to read more. The only thing that’s bothering me is the phrase “A decade old tragedy looms to destroy her aspirations.” It feels a little awkward, and doesn’t really tell me enough about what the threat is; is it a secret? A scandal? It also doesn’t quite segue from the previous sentence as neatly as I’d like, so it creates a bit of a stumbling block in an otherwise clean, neat pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm
This makes me think of Drop Dead Diva meets Reaper, only without the sometimes insulting stereotypes. But the phrasing confuses me: is she vulnerable to her own dark past, or to the mean girl’s dark past? Also, why does it matter that she’s in a mean girl’s body? Is she a mean girl in the sense of a typical high school mean girl, or truly bad?
Also, “question what side she’s really on”–nothing in the pitch presented sides, so this is ambiguous. We don’t know what choice she’d be making.
This really does look fun and quirky, and that comes across well in your pitch–but what’s the main conflict? I could pick out four just from this, and we should focus only on one.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm
You’ve got a good hook, clear romantic conflict, clear stakes. If anything I’d just tweak this into more than one sentence so you aren’t using so many modifiers.
Though one other thing gives me pause: right now it reads like a typical “ordinary woman is ordinary until extraordinary man enters her life.” Just from discussions with other publishing industry professionals and my own tastes, people are looking for something that deviates from that setup–so seeing it in a pitch might be enough to turn some people off. That’s just my opinion, though, and this industry is subjective.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 2:31 pm
This really made me laugh. It’s definitely a different tack, and a good way to get attention. (Though I’d like to see periods or semicolons at the end of each list item. I’m nitpicky like that.)
My concern is less with the pitch and more with the premise, assuming that the coworker is the one she ends up falling for. Any guy who would force a woman to have sex with him, especially in the modern age, falls a bit short of what people expect even from bastardly heroes, and something like that is hard to redeem even if she ends up liking it and him. Unless…is he intended to be the villain, and she ends up with her roommate? I think that needs to be clearer in the pitch, so we aren’t questioning if we’re dealing with a very un-heroic hero.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm
I’m curious as to why there isn’t a fourth option: run away. I like the idea that she’s going to go balls-to-the-wall against the ruling powers to keep from being forced into this creeptastic ceremony, but what are the stakes that stop her from just packing up shop and leaving the mess behind? Also, why is she so important that she has to be manipulated into this breeding ceremony by corrupt powers? You’ve got seven words to spare in this, and I think if you approach it from a slightly different angle you can make the stakes more clear without leaving those questions open.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Great job of setting up the inciting event, conflict, and the main character’s personal stakes in so few words. But how does someone accidentally unleash the horsemen? It seems like it’d be something difficult to do, or someone else would have had that same accident before now. Also, since she unleashed them, wouldn’t she know which hellhole they crawled out of? It’s snappy phrasing that adds a bit of attitude, but it also seems like excess wording that doesn’t make sense on second glance and doesn’t add anything to the pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 2:54 pm
I like the link between the two girls, cooperating across time to stop this evil from happening, but I think this could be tweaked a little. There’s a sense that there are too many paranormal elements or mythologies clashing–we’ve got time travel, Japanese dragons, wizards. What makes the story unique besides the mixutre of these elements? The basic story is fairly common in time travel books: a bad person wants to change the past so they have the dark future they want, and the heroes have to stop them. What you need in your pitch is something really unique to make this stand apart from the other stories. Is there something special about these two girls? Maybe something waiting for one of them in the dark future that makes the stakes really personal?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Good trope, good selling points, simple and clean and direct to the point. Overall it’s a good pitch, but it’s a little…listless? I hesitate to say that, as it sounds insulting. You have everything here to let us know what the story’s about, but (for me, anyway) it’s missing a certain tension and sense of engagement. If you look at it as a product marketing pitch, there’s always a sense of excitement to those, like the person pitching is ridiculously happy about it and wants you to be, too. I know some people have trouble taking that approach because it can feel excessive, but it can’t hurt to infuse a little more personality into it to really bring it to life and sell it, not just present it.

Brenda Drake · July 16, 2012 at 8:29 am
This entry is a YA

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 3:39 pm
This feels like it focuses on every detail except the central conflict, and raises the kind of questions that, rather than making me want to read more, instead make me think I’d probably pass on this one. Like:
1. Why is Nix’s name important? Names aren’t really such a big issues anymore, and even if it’s something that bothers her, why is it important enough to spend precious words on it in a very short pitch? How is it relevant to the central plot?
2. What does it mean to “manipulate death” and why is Nix doing it? Is this what it means to send her soul out–she temporarily dies, then ventures out as a spirit? Why is she spying on her neighbors?
3. What does her ability have to do with her crush’s girlfriend, or risking her life? If she’s just a soul, how can she affect the outcome of what’s happening to her crush’s girlfriend?
4. Why is saving another person’s life sick, but spying on the neighbors isn’t?
I’d look for one concrete statement of the conflict in your story, and then build your pitch around that.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 3:45 pm
I’m a total sucker for stories with reincarnation, but this pitch isn’t hooking me. Partially because I don’t think “constitutes” is the word you want. The secret is a contributing cause of the execution, not a component of the execution. Mostly, though, it’s that there’s no tight statement of the central conflict. I’d focus on the war first, and the reason for it, then tie in why two reincarnated lovers can prevent it, and the reason why exposing their secret can kill them. Right now the concepts don’t seem to be tying together cleanly.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm
This looks adorable with a lot of potential for quirky appeal, and I love that you set up the main character’s goal right from the start. What I’m not seeing, though, is a consequence. What kind of impact will this choice have? Is the human a romantic interest, and does she stand to lose something emotionally involving them if she makes the wrong choice? This pitch is really close to perfect, but I think tweaking in that one hint about the consequences will make it hit just the right note.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Definitely getting a West Side Story/Romeo and Juliet vibe from this. This is another great pitch that hits just the right notes, and I almost feel bad that I don’t have much to add. You might be able to work in if this friend becomes more than a friend, just so people know if they’re reading something with romantic leanings–as for some people that’s a deciding factor. But even that, I wouldn’t call essential especially if it really is just platonic friendship and this is more about the bonds of loyalty than about a forbidden romantic relationship. Great job!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 4:20 pm
The actual definition of a sleeper soldier/agent is a deep cover operative who’s put into place and left inactive over long periods so they can establish a seemingly innocuous position among the enemy that makes them useful later. There’s nothing wrong with repurposing it for your story, but that does still give me pause and throw the story into doubt, which undermines the effectiveness of the pitch.
One thing that isn’t clear is why her family is at risk, and how that ties into her conditioning and her status as a sleeper soldier. Is the person who conditioned her threatening her family? What’s the source of the conflict? Who’s the villain? Considering she’s conditioned, how can she choose whether or not succumbing will save or condemn her family? Conditioning means she doesn’t have a choice at all; she’s programmed. She can choose to fight her conditioning, but it’s not her choice whether or not fighting will save or condemn her loved ones. Either it will or it won’t; her choice is whether or not to do it, not the parameters defining the choice.
Despite my questions, this does look really intriguing, and I like the idea of a YA with conditioned soldiers.

SM Johnston · July 21, 2012 at 8:53 pm
Thanks so much for the feedback. I greatly appreciate it.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Ooh. WW2. I think you should work that into the pitch and not just the genre listing, as for some people that’s a huge hook. (Like me, ahem.) You’ve got a good trope, but a few inconsistencies and some weak phrasing. Just a few points:
1. Where is Billy returning to? Where did he go?
2. Who is Lynne to him? A friend? A former lover?
3. Spitfire shouldn’t be a proper noun.
4. Why wouldn’t she expect grief to change him? Grief is a terrible thing that often changes people.
5. Instead of saying “Knowing the danger he risks each night” I’d go for stronger phrasing. Something less vague than just “danger.”
6. If Billy has returned somewhere–home, the base, where ever he might be–why is he still risking danger each night?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Great voice on this–vivid and a little bit snarky. But after that great intro hook, it falls a little flat. I’d focus on bolder phrasing that plays up the threat to her life, emphasizing that she’s in serious danger and not just the victim of harmless pranks. Try to keep that same voice you started with. Also, at first glance it reads as if the fact that Zane is emotionally challenged is somehow pivotal to her success. Overall I think the last sentence just doesn’t support the great hook you started off with.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Sancti-mommies…oh god. I just choked on my drink. That’s awesome.
One thing I’m seeing as a common trend (it’s not just you) is a tendency to try to write the entire pitch as one sentence, like a PW announcement. (Those things drive me crazy, but that’s another story…) In your case, I think you could really strengthen this by breaking it up and focusing on pacing with a little more motivation. It reads as if ending up with the soccer coach is somehow a random occurrence despite the motivation being right before it–likely because of the phrase “finds herself,” something I see used a bit too much in blurbs and pitches to transition from one action to the next.
Stay-at-home mom Ellie is drowning in suburbia. Snotty Sancti-mommies. A nudist mother-in-law. Door-to-door cookie peddlers…and a cheating husband, who chases her from an unhappy home into the arms of her daughter’s delicious soccer coach.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 4:45 pm
I’m pretty sure I saw a movie blurb on Netflix covering this exact same premise–and ended up adding it to my queue, because I do like the story concept and this sounds like something with potential for an interesting psychological thriller. Is the play on words with “committed” deliberate? It took two reads, and I’m still not sure if you mean she was committed to an institution (which the title implies) or if she’s committed as in dedicated/determined, and because she won’t spill the secret she’s been institutionalized.
The voice in this is a little flat; something like this has thriller written all over it, and the pitch should be something punchy, tight, and tense, leaving a sense of anticipation. It needs to ask a question, one the reader would be itching to find the answer to.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm
I feel like this pitch is missing cohesion to make it clear that Kathy is both a ghost and his girlfriend. It’s also falling into that single-sentence trap, and would read more cleanly as multiple sentences.
The pitch also needs to give us a sense that there’s a happily ever after waiting for the protagonists, and it’s hard to imagine a happily ever after with a living boy and a ghostly girlfriend–though I’d be willing to look past that question if the pitch offered some hint that this was an offbeat, quirky story that could pull that sort of thing off just because it’s that kind of bizarre world and those sorts of questions don’t matter. I’m not seeing that in this pitch. You have the foundation for something snappy and engaging, but it’s not quite there yet.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Engaging language, good enthusiasm, good pacing, good flow. If I could offer anything on this one, I’d say…simplify. There are a lot of elements to take in here, and it almost seems like too much to really grasp waht’s going on; the central story is getting a little lost in all the details. Pick the ones that really make this engaging, and trim off the excess.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 5:05 pm
First, your title rocks.
Second…your pitch is good, but not knock-me-out-of-the-park great, though I can see the promise of it creeping at the edges of it. I’d introduce some concept of what the threat is beyond losing her sanity (as it’s hard to tell if that’s a real danger, or metaphor), and play up the surreal/spooky aspect of it a little more. Also…is Liam actually a stonemason, or are we talking the organization of Masons?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 5:12 pm
There’s a nice sense of mystery to this, and the way you create setting so quickly is haunting and lovely–but like many of the other pitches, I think you could play up the impact if you broke this up into cleaner, shorter sentences. Also, adjectives. I love descriptive writing and the premise of this looks awesome, but my first impression on reading this was “That’s a lot of adjectives” rather than focusing on what the story’s actually about. Even cutting one or two will make for a cleaner read. Save the smaller details for the story itself.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 5:22 pm
There’s too much open-ended here. Why did Eleanor leave a girl in the woods? Who is this girl to her? Friend? Girl Scout troop member? Is Eleanor an adult or a teen? It’s hard to tell, but this seems like the story of an adult searching for a girl, not one girl searching for another. How are these two boys able to turn her world upside down? It feels like the pitch focuses on the wrong details and approaches the story from the wrong angle. What’s the strongest selling point of your story, and how does it relate to the main conflict? Focus on that.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm
The incorrect grammar in this is sinking you before anyone really gets to the story–plus I’m not sure if it’s relevant that the story is set in Montreal, so that’s three words you could have used to focus on the plot.
Clementine has writer’s block, ESP–and a broken heart. But in this story of love and redemption, Ichiro’s the one with a story to tell…and the vampire DJ’s tale may change Clementine’s world.
I’m not sure about what else happens in the story, so I made up the part about love and redemption–but it’s just an example of how you can tighten up the grammar and shift the details around for a snappier pitch.

Annie Quinty · July 23, 2012 at 7:58 am
Merci/Thank you Adrien! Your comments are very helpful!
Thank you Brenda for hosting this event I am very grateful for you and Adrien’s time and for the opportunity.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:07 pm
It sounds like you have the basis of a good story here, but the idea is getting lost in short, choppy, disconnected statements. Focus on blending everything together into 2-3 clean statements that smoothly transition and give us a clear idea of the goal, motivation, and conflict. (Also, love shouldn’t be a proper noun.)

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:10 pm
You’re skirting around the central plot without ever getting there. The structure of this makes it sound like the primary point of the story is to teach Mona about the burden of being a Warder, when from what details I’m seeing, it’s to save the weres and find her mentor. What’s Mona’s stake in this? What’s her driving motivation other than being a warder, and since she’s not a were…what does she stand to lose? Can you work that into your pitch and end on a question that leaves readers wanting more?

Ellie Heller · July 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Thank you, will definitely be reworking this!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Is this for the new adult audience, or is Bliss an adult student? (That’s not a problem in the pitch–I’m just curious, though anyone else you pitch will wonder that as well.)
You’re really close with this pitch; just these few words tell me it’s a fun story witih a lot of promise for an engaging, light-hearted contemporary read. But it’s missing the emotional connection–that because Bliss is the lone virgin, she wants to finally do something about it. It just jumps into the one-night stand. Also, you set up a contradiction that never quite happens. She thinks embarrassment is her worst problem, until…embarrassment is still her worst problem, because of this new situation. It’s not really creating a new problem, just deepening the existing one, so the statement doesn’t quite make sense.

Brittany @ YASisterhood · July 21, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Thanks for your feedback! You’re awesome!
And it is New Adult. Bliss is twenty-one.

Anonymous · September 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm
This sounds interesting. It’s almost like something I would do if I were the lone virgin among my friends.

Anonymous · September 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm
I think it’s great. Definitely something I would read!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:23 pm
There’s a lot of clever phrasing here, but when you look at it more closely, it’s not really saying anything. Why does Lily have to protect Jack’s secret?
That “literally” is throwing me. Is it just emphasizing that he’s genuinely the sexiest man in Hollywood, or is it supposed to imply that all the other sexy men are dying? Is this a murder mystery or a prophecy that has something to do with killing attractive men?
Also, “the difference between his life and her death.” So the choices are that he can live, or she can die? But the two aren’t mutually exclusive. He can live and she can die. In fact, it seems like maybe that’s what the setup is supposed to be–that to save his life, she has to die, which isn’t really the opposing choice presented by “the difference between.” Is it because as a phoenix, he’s destined to die and rise from the ashes–but if he does, she’ll die, so he has to live? We don’t know enough about the situation for this statement to make sense, and there’s no room in an elevator pitch for that kind of ambiguity.

tinasmusings · July 23, 2012 at 10:53 am
Thank you for the feedback!! Awsome that you are doing everyone. It really makes a difference for us to get this kind of direct response. I would send you balloons if I could. I will work on your suggestions. Thanks again.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:32 pm
I’m going to start to sound like a broken record with how many pitches I’ve said this on, but don’t try to cram all this into one sentence. It’ll be much cleaner and snappier as multiple sentences. A couple of people have pulled off the one-sentence pitch well, but the structure of this one doesn’t work well for that.
I like that this is a new spin on Greek mythology, but there are some things that are bothering me. It’s somewhat the story of Persephone with a little bit of the Disney mangling of Hercules, but the biggest thing that’s bothering me is Mariposa’s name. It’s the Portuguese word for “butterfly.” Is she Latina? If this is a fantasy, how is a Latina girl interacting with Greek mythological figures? I could see it in the modern day, with so much cultural intermingling, but I’d need a solid reason for the cultural crossing in a fantasy story with a mythological setting. I’m not saying it couldn’t or shouldn’t be done–I’m a huge advocate of multicultural influences in stories. I’m just saying that little things like that need to be integrated plausibly, and right now it just feels like the name was chosen without attention to setting.
Also, it feels as if Mariposa should have some motivation other than love to venture into the underworld. Some driving factor that defines her identity beyond the relationship.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:36 pm
What would make me pause more than the pitch itself is the wordcount. 85k is a bit long for a contemporary romance, especially if you’re targeting category lines. This looks like a trope-based story that would fit well into a category mold, but the length is a bit much.
Looking at the pitch itself, it’s missing a voice to create engagement. Including the characters’ names would help, but overall I’d say tighten the phrasing and write it from your heroine’s POV to really strengthen it and grab someone’s interest.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Reapers have gotten pretty popular in YA paranormal, so I think what you’d need in this pitch to make it stand out is a stronger voice, maybe a little flippant humor, and something that makes this story truly unique. It looks interesting, but just not interesting enough to make me say “This is something new, something different from the other reaper stories.” I know it’s hard to try to convey that in 35 words or less, but just remember: all you have to do is hook them enough to make them want to know more. Focus on that.
Also, it feels like the “all before her next reap” is tacked on at the end to create a sense of urgency. Without knowing why–and not having time/space to include that information–it’s not really adding much.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Goat Herder. Billy Gruff. Win. This is cute and clever, but a little dry. And I’m having trouble concentrating on constructive feedback because I want to start singing “High on a hill was a lonely goatherd–Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo; loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd–Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!”
Ahem. Yodeling aside, I do think you’ve got a good foundation here, but that it needs rearranging to give it more punch and keep it from sounding quite so dry. The concept may be cute and clever, but the delivery does need a little bit more of a spit-polish to give it rhythm and an impactful delivery.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 6:57 pm
It looks like this is presenting an enemies to lovers trope with a touch of mistaken identity, but it raises two questions that would make me pass:
1. If she knows him well enough to hate him, how does he deceive her into thinking he’s someone else?
2. Does he ever redeem himself from using dishonest methods to get a woman to sleep with him?
I know the easy answer is to say “read the manuscript to find out,” and in many ways you want your pitch to lead to that point. But there’s a fine line to walk between raising questions that make the reader want to know more…and raising questions that make the reader doubt they want to read it. As much as it sucks, agents and editors are looking for a reason to say no, even though we desperately want a reason to say yes. If we go in with too many doubts, those doubts are going to color the manuscript. So raising doubts with your pitch can sink you.
If there’s a conflict other than her hatred of him (and why? What does he stand for that’s so loathsome?) and his deception, I’d focus on that. Find points to make us want to read more, and then leave the story to explore these more questionable areas.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 7:01 pm
There’s a nice sense of the dramatic here–deep stakes, a lot of emotional impact. But there’s nothing that tells me who or what the story is about. Try to combine your talent for evocative phrasing with clean, straightforward statements that tell us who the key players are, what the conflict is, and what they stand to lose if they fail.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I think your first two sentences could stand alone as your pitch, and you don’t need the rest. Sometimes short and sweet is best. You could save the part about it being 1987 for your query blurb, where you have more room to work that in smoothly. The first part makes me really want to know what happens, but the rest drags it down and removes the great tension you’d originally created.
…though as a child of the 80s, if I saw that in a query it would definitely pique my interest. So I wouldn’t discount that information entirely; it’s just not needed for your pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 7:19 pm
I’m guessing this is a Beauty and the Beast retelling. But your pitch isn’t grabbing me; it’s not a concise statement of the central conflict, but more just a few of the events driving the story. And there are a few things that don’t quite make sense:
1. If she’s an outcast, who raised her? It sounds as if she was deliberately raised to be an outcast, and if she was raised by people, then she’s part of a group. It may be an outcast group, but it’s still a group, so she’s included in something. The statement is a bit contradictory.
2. How is Berg saving her? By giving her this chance to live a controlled life? How is that saving someone?
3. What is the chance at freedom? If Sabah was already outside this controlled environment, didn’t she already have her freedom before the man-beast offered it? Or is there some third option?
I know I’m nitpicking a lot for so few words, but in a pitch you have to use as few words as possible to make as great an impact as possible in very clean language that leaves no room for doubt. Other people will ask these questions, too.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 7:21 pm
This seems almost literary. That’s not really a bad thing; literary influences can really enhance genre fiction, and vice versa. But in this case it does make me wonder just what keeps the story going–what the driving impetus is, and what Taylor’s end goal is. I think I said this in another critique, but the goal, motivation, and conflict need to be apparent from the very start, and I’m not seeing that here.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 7:24 pm
You do a pretty good job of establishing the basic premise and romantic conflict, but the incorrect grammar in the second sentence is throwing me off. The secret is mentioned almost as an afterthought, when I’d suggest rewriting the pitch around the secret, her doubt in a husband who’s proven himself untrustworthy, and her longings. Focus on the emotional stakes tied up in this, and use that as a foundation to build a good hook.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 7:34 pm
While the pitch itself is fairly tightly written and you present the GMC very well, it gets a little too vague with “the attacks become personal.” I’m not sure if the feminine pronoun referenced is the cop or the shifter, either. Names would help.
Also, this is a fairly standard setup for urban fantasy: law enforcement, sexy shifter love interest, murders. You need to have a really powerful pitch to pull this out from the crowd, and tell us this is something different from the norm.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 7:40 pm
This is one of those where I have trouble finding anything to crit, because it’s well-written, with nice touch of succinct characterization and an intriguing hint of sexual tension, while still spending enough time on the central plot to give us a strong look at what the story’s about. The only thing I can say is that if you can, work in something to make the story a little more unique. Prophecy, battles against demons, and shady-but-irresistible love interest = standard urban fantasy. I don’t doubt that there’s something memorable in your story that makes it very much not the standard, so find it and find a way to work it cleanly into your pitch. (I seem to be saying this a lot, but it’s kind of a common issue with paranormal and urban fantasy–because the market is just so heavily saturated, when you’re reducing your story to 35 words it’s easy to end up sounding like everyone else when you’re actually not.)

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Cryptologist = love. Seriously, I love the way cryptologists’ minds work.
That said, your opening clause is a good setup, but it falls down after that. “inadvertently opens a web of deceptions” is a bit cliched, and the phrasing of the rest of the sentence is awkward. In the last sentence it gets a little too much into metaphor, as since comatose people generally can’t do much of anything, it’s confusing as to how she “penetrates the darkness.” What is the darkness, and what does it mean to penetrate it? Focus less on metaphor and more on statement of fact in an engaging manner that makes us need to know how this story works out.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm
Really starting to feel like I’m beating a dead horse, so sorry if I’m repeating what I’ve said to others, but what makes this story different from other fantasies with a badass princess in a compromising position regarding marriage and war between kingdoms?
I’m not calling your story generic–but your pitch would imply that it is, so the pitch isn’t doing its job. Find the thing that makes your story unique. Write down several different ideas; make a list of things you think your story has that no one else does. Build your hook around that and the central conflict. And remember–the pitch needs to sell the story, not tell the story.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 8:32 pm
The grammar and sentence structure here are making it hard to follow what’s going on. And I can’t figure out what the central conflict is. Is it the Ludus, her sister, or…? I’d say break this down, simplify it, and write it in cleaner, shorter sentences that give us a clear sense of danger and what Sarah stands to lose. How is the foster mother’s fatal attack tied in? Is it related to her long-lost sister, or is it just a random attack? If it’s random, it shouldn’t be in the pitch in such detail. If it isn’t random, it needs to be tied to the central conflict presented in the pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm
I like that you worked the title in as a catch phrase; it always makes me smile when writers can tie their title in to their hook. But the pitch itself doesn’t really tell me enough about what the story is about. Why are they negotiating their relationship? Most people don’t really negotiate true and lasting love; they just fall into it. Negotiation sounds more like a divorce–or like there’s some external plot element involving lawyers or real estate or contracts or something that we’re not really seeing here, to place all of this in context.
“Past heartache” is a little too vague. What caused the heartache? Did someone cheat? Were they incompatible? Were there misunderstandings?
“Sacrifice their secrets” doesn’t really make sense. You can make sacrifices to confess secrets, but you can’t really sacrifice secrets.
Is Conor’s name supposed to be Conor O’Neal and not O’Neal’s?
I think if you work on building a bit more precise wording around that fun little catchphrase, you’ll have a great pitch.

Rue Allyn · July 22, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Thank you very much for the feedback. I really appreciate the time and effort you’ve taken to provide thoughtful pertinent comments.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Almost there–I love the Faustian bargain reference, though I do wonder if they’re making a deal with the devil as well, or if the devil is metaphorical. But once we get to the part starting with “Delle’s genius…” I feel like we lose a tenuous personal connection with the story. Delle can save them, but what’s her story, personally? Just that she’s smart enough to save them…but if she doesn’t, what does she stand to lose? Is she slotted for death? Is someone in her family? I think it’s more important to show why it matters to her in the pitch and give us an idea of the emotional investment in the story than it is to tell us that she’ll have to follow her heart and her head to do it.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm
Great start, but after that it’s too vague. Where does Steven go? Why is he gone this time? Does he leave on missions, since this is sci-fi, or is he just a drifter or an unfaithful jerk? Why is the city melting down in the rising heat? Since this is sci-fi, it seems like there must be some kind of strange source for the rising heat, whether it’s an overloading planetary nuclear power core or magma rising to the surface in preparation for a supervolcano to blow, and only some new technology can stop it, etc. But there’s no hint of that in the pitch. I’d think this was contemporary if you hadn’t included the genre. So you need:
1. Something hinting at a genre-specific conflict;
2. Why Steven isn’t coming back in time now, and who he is so his absences make sense; and,
3. What Arie’s personal sense of agency is–what her role in the story is and what she does other than waiting for Steven.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 9:01 pm
Angel vs. demon is always fun, and this is pretty well-written, but it’s missing a hook that makes me want to read more to find out what happens. And it doesn’t seem to match up: what does the stalker have to do with preventing the apocalypse? Why does the demon’s interest in her force her to confront the mortal stalker? These statements are presented as cause and effect, but they don’t actually tie together and don’t give me anything compelling enough to make me want to dig deeper. Is your central plot the apocalypse, the relationship, or the stalker trying to harness her power?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Your opening line does a great job of establishing voice, but the pitch is a little too skimpy on plot details. Looking at the pitch alone, I wouldn’t know if this was sci-fi, contemporary, paranormal, even historical. We need some kind of indicator of what she is, what she’s afraid of…and what happens when someone does find out, as otherwise there’s no story. That’s the main takeaway from this pitch: what’s the story? What happens when her fears come to life, and what drives her forward?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm
I’d establish the world first, to explain why it’s important that Ava is a non-magical misfit among magical beings–and make it clear just how difficult a challenge she’ll be facing in trying to stop the god of war and his witches.
This pitch really makes me wonder how a non-magical person can do something the Olympians can’t, when she doesn’t have their abilities. That’s at once a good thing and a bad thing. It intrigues me enough to make me want to read more, but also makes me skeptical as to the premise of the story. Can you think of anything that you can work in to help swing the reader closer to curiosity and away from skepticism?
Also, I’d suggest tightening the phrasing a little. For example, “Non-magical misfit Ava” would read more cleanly than “Misfit, non-magical Ava.”

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 9:46 pm
Extremely interesting, very nice tone/atmosphere, really makes me wonder how it’s sci-fi and not something paranormal. Buuuuut (there’s always a but, isn’t there?)–the pitch itself doesn’t really establish genre, or give me any idea of the plot. I’d think this was straight romance, with the bullet just being the thing to bring them together, because we don’t explore the central conflict beyond the fact that she’s run into her imaginary friend again. I’m left to assume that the rest of the story is interpersonal between the protagonist and the cop. If this is a thriller, what’s the central intrigue?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm
This is a little too muddled, although there’s the beginnings of a good pitch here. I’m not sure:
1. If securing the vampire is the central plot or just an inciting incident;
2. If Kane is that vampire;
3. Why he would want her soul, or why it’s inaccessible;
4. Why her mission is unorthodox;
5. If the vampire is most-wanted because he (she?) is a fugitive, or a desired member;
6. Why they want justice/what injustice they seek to wrong;
7. What there is for either of them to concede.
All of these questions could be answered/avoided by more careful choice in phrasing–often it’s just one or two words that can make the difference and really bring something crystal-clear. I think you really need to tighten this up to bring your pitch out of the typical territory of “human in law enforcement falls for vampire enemy.” There’s a lot of stiff competition out there, and that premise is a hard sell without something to really push it.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 9:57 pm
I’m trying to nitpick this, and I can’t. Maybe it’s the sci-fi softie in me, and how much I love the conquering aliens trope. Um. Oh! Something to nitpick: too many em-dashes. I do this a lot myself, but your meaning can get really muddled when you’re combining asides and dependent clauses, etc. using too many em-dashes. Two sentences would be better.
Also, making myself be a liiiiiittle more detached from my sci-geekery, you can still polish and tighten this so that it’s more of a sales pitch, less of a brief story summary, so that it stands up and shouts a bit more and the voice comes across a bit snappier.
I’d wonder, too, how Kara ends up encountering Aiodhan, and how she ends up part of his mission or in any way on the same side as someone whose only purpose is to enslave her. So we’re missing a little relationship motivation for both of them, but it’s also one of those things I’d be willing to read more to find out.

Sandy James · July 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Thanks so much for the input!! Will do some tweaking!! 😀

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Overall I like this, though I feel a little displaced–not knowing what kind of culture we’re dealing with here, and feeling like there’s a hint of Native American but it could also be Hawaiian, even Eskimo. (I’m reminded of Island of the Blue Dolphins.) It could also be some completely fictional culture with roots in familiar Earth cultures, and I think that little tidbit of information would go a long way to ground this story a little bit.
Otherwise, though, I’m not seeing anything really original here (again, I’m not saying your story isn’t original–just that the pitch isn’t capturing its originality). Pocahontas, Avatar…they’re all the same story. Wise tribals find love amidst the machinations of evil, greedy, but more advanced foreigners, with a difficult choice to make between love and duty. Find what sets your story apart from these and work it into your pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm
I’ve seen a lot of agents looking for summer camp slasher YA stories lately, so this is pretty well-timed–but your pitch is a little off, and in some ways feels distanced from the story itself. The phrasing is odd, too–“after a murderous camping trip” reads as if they went on the trip to do a little fun summer murdering. It also feels like backstory; does the story actually start with the end of the camping trip, or with Elaina and Cole living normal lives until these killers return, and the camping trip is just a memory? Or do you actually detail the camping trip as the pitch implies? As it feels like both the pitch and the story start in the wrong place, and the killers (in the pitch) seem to be brought back almost as an afterthought.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:11 pm
This is one of those pitches where I think enough got left out that it raises the kind of questions that would make me pass, instead of want to read more. The pitch itself is pretty good, even if “she learns just how dreams really do come true” is a bit vague and open-ended and doesn’t give us an idea of what actually happens.
The problem I’m having with it is that it presents the story of someone who’s knowingly wrecking someone else’s marriage for her own dreams, with no remorse and no consequences. Instead, she gets to have her dreams come true. Even for people who don’t have problems with stories about infidelity, the lack of implication of any kind of conflict or consequences hints that there’s no character progression and no obstacles to the story other than the married hero and the disapproval of those around them. So often with queries and pitches, the first thing I think is “But where’s the conflict?” and that’s happening here.
I don’t doubt that these questions are answered in your story, maybe even in your query. But I think you can play with the wording enough to at least hint at enough of it to ease doubts and leave people intrigued, rather than skeptical.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:18 pm
This presents a really interesting premise and I think you do a great job of capturing the key elements, though I think you could spice it up a little to indicate the direct consequences if they fail. But there are a few things in the facts themselves that are bothering me:
1. Clones aren’t really born. They’re copied.
2. If they can create clones of living beings, why do they need breeding stock to repopulate?
3. If they have the technology for time travel, why don’t they have the technology to introduce artificial sexual dimorphism in human embryos to create male children?
4. How did men become extinct?
When the premise presented in a pitch presents those kind of questions, I tend to lean toward passing because I worry the story won’t hold together if I poke at the answers.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Absolutely charming. This creates a vivid picture and uses well-chosen phrasing to create a foundation for understanding the story based on common experience/cultural knowledge (the real life fairy tale) without falling back on cliche. We know what we’re getting out of the story: a charming adventure with fairy tale leanings, and an unorthodox hero. The only nitpick I’d have is that the phrasing makes it seem like Ansel falls in love with the heiress all in one day, and even in fairy tales I find that implausible–but that’s just me. And it also could just be the sentence structure creating that implication.

Artemis Grey · July 22, 2012 at 7:43 am
Yay! Thank You SO much for taking the time to critique all of the entries and give us feedback! I’ve struggled and STRUGGLED with the pitch for this one, so I’m totally thrilled that it got good feedback! I have never been super thrilled with how it makes it seem as though everything happens all at once, but I haven’t yet managed to fit all the info in, and have it roll smooth while not giving that ‘all at once’ sensation. But if that’s the worst I have to deal with, I’ll take it.
I suspect my second entry will get more chopping… can’t wait to get feedback on that one so I can better it…

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:26 pm
That “Again.” really makes this pitch–because I can imagine people going mad wanting to know what happened last time, and how this goes to shape his character that he let the killer escape last time.
What’s bothering me is “the girl next door” in the beginning of the pitch. I think she’s going to be the main character, the story of a girl next door who falls into unusual circumstances, until we get to Alex. It’s often frustrating to have expectations reversed like that when we’ve started to form a picture of the story in our heads. Instead I’d start with Alex, and give us a closer idea of who this girl is to him other than a neighbor. Also, is the sacred oath to protect her in specific, or to protect people from this killer, period?

virg_nelson · July 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Like Linda,I’ve seen the line that now specifies you can’t enter if you have a submission with Entangled already.
If you’ll accept a second pitch to replace that one:
Name:Virginia Nelson
Title: Lasso the Bride
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Word Count:30k
Lou, cowboy cop, is a small town guy who wants to marry his high school sweetheart. Carnie, child of divorce, thinks romance is a fairytale. Can Lou convince her love really can last a lifetime?
If not, thanks for this anyway. The crits should be fascinating.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:33 pm
😉 Since I already have Runaway Groom in my inbox, yeah. That one’s off the table for a pitch crit. So let’s take a look at Lasso the Bride:
I think the repetitive sentence structure, of “X, a type of character, thinks/wants Y” might be pulling the life from this pitch. Plus you have a chance to work the title in for a fun hook, and it’s not there.
Small-town cowboy cop Lou has dreamed of marrying Carnie since high school–but after a childhood spent shuffled between divorced parents, Carnie’s not fool enough to fall for love’s fairy tales. Will Carnie wrangle her way out of romance…or does Lou have what it takes to lasso the bride?
It’s longer than 35 words, but it’s just an example to show what I mean.

virg_nelson · July 21, 2012 at 10:35 pm
Thank you!!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:38 pm
You have everything here to present the foundations for a strong category romance with good tropes; the delivery is where it falls short. The phrasing isn’t tight enough, and doesn’t have the spark that it generally takes to engage someone’s interest and make them want to crack the pages. The sentence structure feels a little backwards, and that may be contributing to that.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:42 pm
I haven’t said this in about twenty comments (seriously, I’m a broken record!), but this would be better as two or three shorter, tighter sentences, each encapsulating a single idea that progresses toward the conclusion of the pitch. This one feels like it’s missing something–a certain level of investment that makes us care about Melanie’s emotional stakes. What budding relationship is she losing? Is it with her boyfriend, or is it referring to the lost relationship she’s hoping to recapture with her sister? What came between them that her sister is no longer close to her? Why does keeping the secret cause Melanie to lose this other relationship (if that’s what it refers to)? Why don’t we get some sense of the younger sister as an emotional manipulator and/or villain in this, considering the position she’s putting Melanie in?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:47 pm
I like the emotional investment here–we know there’s a story of loss and redemption, and that they’ve done something that will haunt them forever. The structure is well-paced, and has a nice, conversational tone suitable for YA while still preserving the gravity of the situation. If anything, I’d include just who they’re mourning. Did a friend die? A boyfriend? A little more specific detail on what happened will bring this home and hit right at the heart of it.

Lauren Harris · July 17, 2012 at 7:52 am
Updated Word Count: 13,000

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Normally, the sight of parentheses in anything other than social media conversations or blog posts makes me twitch and go for my red pen, but you actually used them pretty well here–and I love that phrase, “eternally friend-zoned.”
This is pretty good, but I wonder at the specific details about the type of ghost; how is the fact that he’s an AV geek central to the plot? Also, if you want me to be honest, I’d leave out the fact that she’s overweight, as listing that makes it seem like that’s the reason she’s eternally friend-zoned, and can make the story seem fatphobic.
I’m sure it’s not, but when you have so few words to spare in a pitch it helps to be aware that they can be misconstrued in ways you didn’t intend, and suddenly people think you’ve got something against people who aren’t a perfect size 2 when you never meant anything like that. You never know what will trip people off and make them say no, based on their preferences and beliefs. Hell, in my other job as a resume writer, I keep having to argue with clients who want to put their personal hobbies and photos on their resumes, because for all they know someone will pass them over because they’re offended by red ties or think fly-fishing is the devil’s hobby.
…that was a bit of a tangent. But my point is that unless you can twist it so that there’s a positive connotation or resolution, you may want to avoid that mention unless it’s 100% essential to the plot.

Lauren Harris · July 21, 2012 at 11:07 pm
Fly fishing IS the devil’s hobby! Just kidding. Thanks for the feedback. 🙂

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Dramatic, snarky, good voice–but it’s all style, no substance. I’d keep the first line as a good hook, but scrap the rest in favor of more concrete details. Who is the main character, and why do they have to unlock the mysteries of their mind? What is this cause they’re fighting for? We need to know these details so we know why we should care about the character and their conflict.

Much Ado About Nothing · July 23, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Thank you so much for this critique! I’m happy to hear the voice is shining through and now I know what to work on to polish it up.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:05 pm
So this is basically Romeo and Juliet with a cyborg Juliet, and instead of the two families against each other, it’s humans against aliens with Juliet’s restrictive family expectations replaced by hardwired programming.
You need to establish a strong theme and play on the themes in Romeo and Juliet to sell this. Right now it feels like these facts aren’t connected. What does Juliet being the last cyborg have to do with this? Where does Romeo come in? Is he a human or an alien? Why does she have to die to save Verona?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:09 pm
I get what you’re going for with this, but the list goes on a little too long and we don’t get the snappy, quirky follow-up we need to place the list in context and give us a sense of the wild ride we’re in for with this story. It seems like it’s a fun, flirty story, but the pitch doesn’t have that fun, flirty tone we’d expect out of something that would sell the book. It’s a concise summary, but it’s not a marketable pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:16 pm
Good summary of the central plot, and of Miranda’s goals–and what she stands to lose. The voice is pretty clear, and pretty strong, with solid writing. There are a few things that throw me, though:
1. The class labels and grouping up to rescue people make me think of World of Warcraft, or a D&D campaign. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a hard association to shake once people make it, and then they assume you plotted your world based on a D&D character sheet. (I’m not saying you did–just telling you what people may assume.)
2. Is Miranda’s mother a mage, and that’s why she’s invested in this? It’s not really clear.
3. What are the larger stakes? Why are the demons kidnapping the mages?
4. Why does it need to be specified that the demon attacks are public? Is it supposed to contrast the intimate betrayal?
5. Actually–that entire sentence is a little odd. “An intimate betrayal” is very vague, as is “complicate matters.” What matters are being complicated? Can you extract the betrayal out from the demon attacks and mention them in separate sentences so they aren’t muddling things?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:21 pm
In truth I’m a bit confused as to what’s happening here–my first impression was that she was renting a storage locker, before I realized she’d bought the contents of one after someone defaulted on their payments. I’m intrigued, as it’s definitely a unique take on contemporary, but at the same time it feels a little too rushed and is missing that one little extra bit that will create investment in Maggie’s plight.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:26 pm
Going to trot out another thing I’ve probably repeated until people are sick of it:
What makes this unique? If it’s a fantasy world, why does Alexandra have to marry to keep the throne? Why not break away from that traditional patriarchal convention and take a different tack with the story? Right now this pitch is telling me that take away a few small complications, and there’s no story. The pitch should ask questions that make us want to know what the story is about, not ask questions that make it look like the plot doesn’t hold together (because she shouldn’t need to marry to keep her throne, and she shouldn’t trust a stranger when making a decision about her kingdom). I’d focus instead on any intrigue that supports the plot, and complicates things more than it currently seems.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:31 pm
The beginning of the pitch is grammatically off enough that it makes me stop to try to figure out what it’s saying, and while I think I’ve got it, I’m still not 100% sure. Try for simpler phrasing, and work on a hook. That first line is essential; it needs to pull me in and not let me go. It’s just as important as the hook in your query, or your novel.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:36 pm
You can probably leave off that he’s gay and just say “Sixteen-year-old Evan Granger wants to be a drag queen–but…” and then present the conflict, just to get right to the point. The homosexuality will speak for itself when we see the gender of his first love. I like seeing his strength and his struggle, though I would like to know more about any other conflict he faces, and the path that he takes to achieve his dream. Beyond defying people, what does he actually do to take steps forward? (…does he hook up with Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze and get stranded in a small town? 😉 Couldn’t resist. I love that film. “A boy in a dress!”)
Overall, though, I like your approach and the voice that comes through in the pitch.

Jo Ramsey · July 22, 2012 at 7:09 am
Thanks, Adrien! (To Wong Foo rocks, but I’ll always prefer The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert…)

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:38 pm
~laughs~ Another one that makes me feel useless. You get right to the point, have great pacing and voice, and give us the trope right out of the gate. We know the story, we know the motivations, we get a hint of the characterization…it’s great.

Kat Latham · July 23, 2012 at 11:32 am
Thank you so much, Adrien-Luc! I never thought I’d be happy to make someone feel useless. 🙂
I really appreciate you and the Entangled editors reading these pitches, and thank you to Brenda for the opportunity!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 21, 2012 at 11:40 pm
This is close, but not quite there. I feel like we’re bumping up against the edge of the central conflict, but never falling quite over the cliff into the actual central plot statement. We have a dark future with the Pale Ones. We have Haylee’s journey to her unexpected fate. We need a single strong statement that brings those two together and makes them a single cohesive story, while retaining the almost lyrical style you’ve demonstrated here.

Heather N. Riffle · July 22, 2012 at 8:02 am
Thank you so much. I really appreciate you giving your time and thoughts.
Brenda, thank you for hosting this and giving us such a great opportunity.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:01 am
I feel like this is a combination of Legend of the Seeker and the Final Fantasy games, particularly Final Fantasy X, in premise. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but when it’s the only thing I take away from the pitch, it tells me that your central conflict isn’t coming through strongly enough. Who is this Summoner, why should she be hunting him, and what’s the overall plot of the story?

Airicka Phoenix · July 23, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Hello Adrien,
Thank you so much for taking all this time to crit all these pitches. My hat goes out to you and your vast patience. I truly appreciate the time you took commenting on mine and I understand what you’re saying. I’ll work more towards making the proper adjustments.
Best wishes and warm gratitude,
Airicka

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:04 am
This looks really cute and sounds like it has fun characters and a great premise, and I think you convey that pretty well. My only nitpick would be the last sentence, as so far there’s been no talk of resistance–only of her letting her guard down. So the concept of Audrey not resisting Humphrey doesn’t quite match up to the concept of the heroine letting her guard down, as one seems unwilling, the other willing. But it’s close.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:14 am
Your foundation is good: we have character interactions, potential relationships, a good hint at the plot to draw us in and make us want to find out what happens and how this girl is involved with this organization. My only suggestion would be to tighten up your grammar, sentence structure, and phrasing in general. It’s a little loose, mainly in the second sentence, and it throws me off a bit.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:18 am
This feels a little lost, in all honesty. Maybe a little too understated. With only 35 words to spare, it really needs to hit me between the eyes with the voice, the trope, and why I should want to read. What can you find in your story that you can use for a hook? What can you tell us about Becca and Jonah as individuals in just a few words, so they become real people?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:21 am
This feels like it’s missing a few words to establish the setting/time period–even if the genre says it’s paranormal, it feels like it could be fantasy. It also doesn’t state clearly that Carolyn is a shifter, and it needs to in order to provide context for this. I’d also like to know if there are any external conflicts beyond her inability to shift; who cast the spell, why, and if there are any reasons other than love driving her to need to shift. Why can’t she be with her mate without shifting? And for your closing hook, what danger does it pose if she can’t, so that we want to know how it ends and she solves this problem?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:28 am
I’m a little confused by the question of faith inherent here–is it referring to her Christian faith, or her faith in herself, or her faith in something else? Why is a witch hunter after her boyfriend, not her? The plot seems fairly straightforward, but the pitch is lacking a certain oomph to pick it up and make it fly. I feel like we get the setup and side events, but not the major impetus of the story.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:31 am
This one needs tighter grammar and sentence structure (you open with questions, but no question marks, plus overall the grammar just needs tightening; poor grammar in a pitch will make agents and editors think the issues reflect in the story, and they may pass). Also, opening with rhetorical questions = instant no from a lot of people. You could also cut extra detail, like “X has only liked one Y, Z” and condense it to just that they like each other/are romantic interests.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:35 am
This is confusing and seems backward–how can you know a love story’s already happened, implying at a previous time, when you’ve just met? Also, saying it’s impossible because of “the past” is vague. This would be stronger if we had a clearer idea of what the past entailed, and how it makes this love impossible. If I were you, I’d suggest writing this from another POV, as if talking about a character instead of yourself (since this is a memoir) and try to present it the same way you would a fictional story, rather than a memoir. You may also want to have someone else help you with it, someone who isn’t so close to the story and might supply the details you can take for granted because of familiarity.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:43 am
I think what I’d like to know, from this pitch, is if this is a story where Natty learns her lesson/gets what she deserves. It seems strange that she’d make use of a rather brutal ghost, then be surprised when the ghost turns out to be a murderer. She’s not really blameless herself when she uses someone she presumably knows to be violent for her own selfish ends. So I’d like to see the stakes mentioned here–that she’s made a mistake, and will face consequences. Potentially deadly consequences, more detailed than “chaos erupts.” I imagine the discovery of the ghost’s history wouldn’t cause chaos, but more his escalating actions.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:49 am
If this is a Robin Hood retelling, I’d play on the similarities a bit more–use the common knowledge to create a frame of reference for the central plot of your story, then highlight the differences. It’s the differences that will sell your pitch as a retelling. Right now it reads like it’s basically a vague pitch for Robin Hood itself with the names changed and the roles shuffled around a little. Tighten up the writing so that we get an idea of the same voice that should be in the story–the overall tone of it. Mood writing. Like mood lighting. Oh god, it’s almost 3am, don’t kill me if I’m a little loopy.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:57 am
When I read this, I keep asking “Why?” Are these powers normal? Why are the monsters causing accidents? You don’t have to answer these questions in such a short pitch, but there should be enough strength in the writing that it makes us feel like we will most definitely find these answers in the story. I’m not feeling that here. Also, I’d rather see the pitch close on a conclusive statement offering a teaser to the central plot, rather than going back to the romance. The ending is weak, and if you want to work in the romance I’d do it earlier before focusing on the more high-stakes plot.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 12:59 am
Oh, hi, zombie love story. I’m hooked.
I tend to caution against writing pitches in first person, because even though this is fun, smart, and pretty engaging, a pitch needs to sell the story and the characters–and I don’t know who the characters are. If you said this to me in a pitch session, I’d wonder who this narrator is, and for a moment think you were talking about yourself. The first person works in print, but pitches are often designed to be delivered aloud, so maybe an alternate version of this in third-person, actively answering the question “What’s your story about?” would be a good idea.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:06 am
This feels like pieces of several stories instead of one single cohesive story thread. We get the beginnings, but never the conclusions. Story one: Woman doesn’t want love, has too many other problems. Story two: stopping the sister’s wedding, for reasons we don’t know. Story three: falling for a man with deadly secrets, who doesn’t seem to be in any way related to the wedding.
You need to either tie these together more cleanly, or pick one storyline and focus on that for your pitch. One or the other can wholly change the tone. Stopping the wedding can make this comedic, while focusing on the man with the deadly secrets can make it tense and thrilling. Pick one, then more effectively weave in the part about how Ellie’s not looking for love.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:09 am
First question: too late for what? Is this a serial killer, or just a one-time thing? Most murderers only do it once, in a crime of passion, so we need to know what the continued threat is.
The order of events is a little off in this. I’d say mention her quiet life, then the murder changing everything, then the detective arriving. Then something about the sparks flying between them, but (and that but is crucial) the murderer presents an obstacle, a danger to both their romance and their lives.
I do think you have a good premise, but the pitch needs a bit more tightening.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:48 am
This seems more like a paranormal, or even a thriller–one where either he’s punished for his crime, or given a chance for redemption. I’m not sure if it could be classed as contemporary, and standing on the pitch alone people might get the wrong idea (or the right one, if the book itself is miscategorized). As for the pitch itself, it’s enough to generate interest, but it’s not quite sharp enough to make it stand out as a stellar piece of book marketing.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:53 am
Everything after “Ace” is great–it’s the setup before that that makes me wonder. What does her surviving 9/11 have to do with this plot? Does it tie in somehow? Why does she need a bodyguard? Because she survived 9/11? That doesn’t really make sense. Is it because of threats leading up to the plot? I’d rather see that, and see if the 9/11 events somehow tie in to this code and the people behind it.
I’m also wondering at the age range, if this is New Adult. I was 21 when 9/11 happened, and that was 11 years ago. Is this set around the events of 9/11, or in the modern day? As saying that Abby’s the average target age for NA, 21, would mean she was 9 during the events of 9/11–making me wonder how a 9-year-old girl’s survival of the event is important enough to lead to this code and the overall mystery.
I’m also not seeing the paranormal in the pitch. If anything, the pitch would make me class this as thriller/suspense.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:58 am
This is a little bit stilted, but overall good. Your first line really hooked me, but what’s missing in the rest is how her ability ties into her relationship with Ben. I think this could use a stronger closing line, too–something that really emphasizes the danger they’re in, and the threat the government poses not just to their relationship, but possibly to Ben’s life.

Sara B. Larson · July 22, 2012 at 10:58 am
Thank you for taking the time to do this (Especially at 3 am!) I appreciate your feedback very much.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 2:02 am
Too many modifiers when this would be cleaner with multiple sentences. Names would help, too. Names basically let us identify these characters as specific people we form a connection with, instead of as generic character archetypes. You’ve got the basic elements of a pitch here, the bones of it, but it needs to be restructured so it doesn’t read like a run-on to really add some meat to that and let your voice shine through.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 2:08 am
Your character’s voice comes through loud and clear here, which is great–and it shows a lot of sass and humor. But it kind of feels like we dove in mid-thought, with nothing to ground us and give us an idea of who the story is about, and why. We’ve got what’s going on, but without really being sure who the story’s about and why this is happening, this is less a complete pitch and more the potential closing to a longer blurb.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Cute voice, and the basic bones are here–but what you’re missing is the connection that says the girl is pretending to be the ghostologist. I’m hesitant to say that you need to add more; there’s enough to tease here and make me curious to read more, but at the same time I feel like there’s not enough beyond the basic setup, and I’d like to know what the stakes are after the ghost shows up. This does its job well enough as it is, but you may want to tinker with it a little to give it just that little bit extra.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm
First association here is The Highlander, except that only one of them can kill the rest. Considering what a cult favorite that is, the association will probably work in your favor. What I’m not seeing, though, is an idea of what kind of plot we’re looking at after she leaves. We have the setup: she’s special, so she has to leave or bad things will happen to her and those she loves. But the story itself likely has bad things happening anyway, so we should see at least a hint of that driving us to find out what goes wrong and how the story turns out.
Also, you could strengthen this by breaking it into multiple sentences.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 2:34 pm
This seems like two different stories: the story of a girl who wants to escape the expectations of her position to pursue her dreams, and the story of a girl trying to escape captivity. We need a hint of how charming him not only leads to her freedom, but leads to the freedom to pursue dreams. It’s also a little implausible, that charm alone is her only weapon to escape, and that the villain will fall for it. It doesn’t seem like anything overly original as far as rebellious princess stories. I’d advise you to reread your manuscript and look for something that makes this story different, work it into your pitch, and tie it to the core plot.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm
It’s not quite clear what the wedding and the one-night stand have to do with this new job, unless the one-night stand is the one offering the job; the pitch could be retooled to make this more apparent, and possibly cut out any extraneous details. Also, it doesn’t make sense that she’d expose the blackmailer–because once he’s exposed, he’d have nothing to lose and therefore would probably spill the secret anyway, just to be vengeful. When a pitch has contradictions like that, it makes me a little leery of the manuscript.
The writing in this is fairly solid, and it’s a good example of how to do a one-sentence pitch that isn’t a run-on sentence, but you could tighten the phrasing a little, just for a little extra kick.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm
You’ve got a great rhythm here, between what the villain and the love interest want, and Caleb wanting to keep his sanity. It’s mostly the phrasing that throws this off; it’s close to being witty and snappy, but it’s a little jumbled and needs to be smoothed out before this pitch will really work. I think you’ve got a good start, and with a little more refinement it’ll really sell the book.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 3:02 pm
It seems as if even if she hadn’t led this coup, she’d be facing the enslavement of those she loves–and that more than her own plight should motivate her to take action, because otherwise it seems like unless the king hadn’t come after her, she’d have endured everything else. Overall, though, this doesn’t seem anything all that unique from fantasy stories with evil kings who desire the heroine, and her mission to overthrow him. I think the voice isn’t really evident in this pitch, either, and in the end it would blend into the crowd. Can you find some way to present this from a different angle and show that this story’s different and has some unique appeal that will market it?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 3:08 pm
I’ve seen this premise in numerous short stories, books, and films, so this pitch really needs strengthening to make it clear this isn’t just recycling the premise without anything new. Right now I don’t see what the danger is here, either. Shawn’s running for her life, but why? Why does she have to escape her underground city? Why is the city kept secret? Who’s keeping this secret, and what danger do they pose that drives the central plot?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm
Solid trope, good writing, good hook, though the opening line is a little vague–as I’m wondering who she’s keeping this promise to, and if there’s someone specific she’s planning on getting engaged to, until this firefighter arrives on the scene and changes her plans. I’d try to work in a little of the firefighter’s mutual interest in her, too, as otherwise this comes across as the typical story of a woman trying to finagle a reluctant man into marriage, and readers tend not to like that portrayal of desperation. That implication could make some people pass.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 8:42 pm
This pitch doesn’t quite tell me what’s going on, just some details related to it. Is Gregori the Chosen One? Is Adelita? How can an angel be false? What is Adelita a refugee from? Are they saving the planet from the apocalypse? In a pitch session, this would convey that you’re not 100% confident what the concept of your story is. Work on narrowing this down to just a single bold statement of the central plot, then add in smaller details and stakes.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 8:49 pm
There’s not enough detail here to really be sure what the story is, and it feels like we’re focusing on the wrong things, and some things don’t make sense.
1. Why is a German fighting corporate America? Why is it important that she’s German?
2. Why would she be fighting in the streets when in general, one fights corporate wars in the board room?
3. Why wouldn’t she be able to trust her boyfriend? What are the reasons he might be untrustworthy?
This feels less like a pitch and more like a quick note taken about an undeveloped plot idea. (I’m so sorry if that sounds mean–I don’t mean it to. But this does need to be fleshed out into something that gives us a better idea of the story and voice, because right now I don’t have any idea why any of this is happening, or the stakes.)

Giora · July 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm
Thanks Adrien-Luc for your comments, and you don’t sounds mean at all. I found about the contest late and put an incomplete pitch.
1. It’s important that Petra is German because there’s another major storyline happening in Germany.
2. She does fight in the streets, cause being a teenager she can’t fight in the board room.
3. Her boyfriend works for Corporate America, her enemy, and she doesn’t know if his love for her is sincere.
Best wishes and I enjoy following your tweets.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 8:56 pm
One comma here makes the difference between Ella being a telekinetic performer, and her love being the telekinetic performer.
Grammar nitpicks aside, the idea is here, but the presentation is a little off. The voice really isn’t coming through, and there’s not enough tension. In a pitch this short, you basically need a sentence to set it up, then a sentence to knock it down and ask the question that pulls readers to look for more. For that you need tension–anticipation. That’s not coming through here. An interesting premise that could possibly get a request, with a potentially dark storyline, is falling short in the pitch’s execution.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Good setup, though I’d swap the biker boyfriend with the outlaw motorcycle gangs (she leaves her biker boyfriend and the dangerous world of outlaw motorcycle gangs behind her). You give us emotional investment with the dead brother…but there’s no hint of what happens after that. How is her brother’s death connected to the motorcycle gangs? Why is she going back–to investigate? Does this pose a threat to her? How does this affect her former romance? You can work in a few words that will at least give us an idea of those things and wrap it up in a neat package.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Wow. That has a lot of punch without dwelling too much on the angst. Simple and pointed. I think this is a pretty effective pitch as far as information presentation, and I think the rather dark, attention-grabbing storyline does help to compensate for the somewhat dry voice. But you could still work on strengthening the voice, and maybe infuse a little more detail on the stakes affecting the rest of her life, and not just her chance at a relationship.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 9:21 pm
The random time travel doesn’t seem to tie in to the rest of the plot. Two plots, really. How do the mother’s secrets have anything to do with this budding romance? Why would she have to give up dance for love when ballet existed in 1895 and she could have found a way to get involved? It’s interesting, but not coming together into something that says you have a cohesive storyline, instead of just ideas. (Cool ideas, btw. I love dance-oriented stories. But the pitch needs a bit more development and tighter knitting.)

Vicki Tremper · July 25, 2012 at 5:11 pm
Thanks, Adrien-Luc. There’s a lot going on in the plot and a twist at the end, so it has defied all my attempts at writing a succinct pitch. I’ll keep working at it. Thanks again!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 9:32 pm
I love the idea of a 50s-inspired campground! That right there makes a great hook for this pitch, as it’s very different and sets the tone for the story as a whole. And it’s great that you work in the romantic conflict, with a pretty good voice and good pacing. My only question is…does Cat have a story other than the romantic relationship? Can it be shown in your pitch?

Brenda Drake · July 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm
Need word count for this one.

Robin Alexander · July 17, 2012 at 7:21 am
I’m sorry for leaving that out.
Word Count: 85,000

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:01 pm
This is a little too vague and metaphorical (not to mention “to find danger” reads as if she’s deliberately looking for it, at first glance). How does a stranger’s voice offer protection?
I think, while this has a great mysterious tone to it, there’s too much mystery, not enough straightforward detail.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Kind of like The Proposal meets The Siren, only without the BDSM or Ryan Reynolds’ abs.
…
Damn it, now I need to go watch that.
Silliness aside, while this isn’t as tight as it could be, overall it’s well-paced and gives the necessary information to have a good grasp on the story, but it does feel a little muddled once we get to the part about her relationship with Nathan. Maybe try rephrasing it for cleaner, sharper statements?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:09 pm
I don’t really have much to offer on this one because it’s definitely appealing. The pacing isn’t quite what you normally see in a quick, zingy pitch, but what you have here works. There’s a certain offbeat appeal and a touch of charming homeliness to it, and while grammatically it stumbles a little, the sense of the story conveyed helps to compensate.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:15 pm
Incorrect grammar makes for statements that can be easily misconstrued (for example, it’s written as if Lord Callum’s loyalty is tired of battle, rather than Callum himself). Overall, though, I see two statements of two character arcs, but not how they intersect to create a cohesive single storyline, or how they relate to the possibility of death by execution.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:22 pm
This is pretty different from standard urban fantasy fare, and definitely has appeal, but the pitch wanders a little too much and focuses more on vague details instead of specifics. It feels detached, without much personal investment in the stakes of the story. Also, there’s nothing in the pitch to place this as urban fantasy, rather than just plain fantasy; reading this, I’d think I was dealing with a swords-and-sorcery fantasy world and would be surprised to find out it’s modern urban fantasy.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:41 pm
If you’ll forgive the pun, this is the windup, but not the pitch. This is a contemporary romance, but there’s no hint of a potential romance between the two in the pitch. I’d say keep your first sentence, but tweak the second so that it’s more “When…but, etc.” So that we have a lead-in to the potential for an enemies-to-lovers romance while still retaining a clear sense of the obstacle between them.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Pretty good, except it’s missing the paranormal aspect. Looks like a tortured hero trope with a good dash of redemption, clearly showing the stakes, but the pitch is telling me it’s contemporary, not paranormal. Is there a paranormal storyline tied in to their pasts? Are they in any sort of danger? What’s the plot outside of the romance and their interpersonal conflicts?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:46 pm
This totally made me laugh out loud, and is probably the shortest effective pitch I’ve seen. You’ve got humor, a liberal dash of character voice, characterization, and your central plot in as few words as possible. My only tweak would be to “It was a really. Bad. Day.” While it’s cute and impactful, it seems not to be a direct answer to the question you pose in your opening statement. It’s close, but you just need to work on the transition phrasing a little more.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Horse dung. ~dies~ That’s epic. Buuuut…I’m not really seeing the basis for Charlie’s conflict here. What about her future is hopeless? Is this supposed to imply that it’s a dead-end life and she feels like she’s stuck in a rut, or is there something else motivating this? How does believing in herself act as a catalyst to change her life? There’s not much here to tell me what actually happens in the story. All I know is there’s a girl on a ranch whose little sister believes in her power to change her life, but what does she actually do to change her life? What does changing it entail? What does she want, other than something different?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 10:55 pm
First off, really catchy title. 🙂
Starting a pitch with a tagline can be tricky, especially since it’s hard to deliver that in a spoken elevator pitch and keep a straight face as you switch from that first-person tagline to the third-person pitch statement. The fact that it’s a common colloquialism can help to play to common experience for an idea of what we’re getting out of the story, and as it stands the pitch probably wouldn’t be able to hold up without it. The problem is, it should be able to. We spend too much time talking about Sophie’s relationship with betrayal, and not enough looking at why she needs to trust Damon with her life so we know what the driving plot of the story is.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 11:02 pm
This one gives some interesting details, but doesn’t quite bring it home to a conclusion to make this an effective pitch. It feels like we’re missing something in the middle to tie it together cohesively, and there’s room for confusion when we’re talking about Olivia driving cross-country, but suddenly Nick is the one leaving big-city life behind…why? Have they both left their old lives to end up in a new place? You might try a new angle that focuses on that commonality between them: running away from something, only to find each other as they try to settle somewhere new.

Shannon · July 23, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Thank you very much for your comments! I really appreciate it!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 11:13 pm
I think on another pitch I mentioned a resemblance to Drop Dead Diva, and this one evokes that again–but there are quite a few confusing elements, like how the pending proposal has anything to do with waking 25 years in the future. It’s written as if it’s cause and effect, when it’s not. Also, it sounds like she’s married to an actual high school age boy. Either that, or she’s married to the nerd from her high school–but since she starts off at age 25, her high school years don’t seem relevant to this.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 11:17 pm
The first question that comes to mind is “Time moves forward by itself, so why is this ancient race necessary to make that happen?” I’m not trying to be snarky–just being honest about what pops into my head, as a pitch is basically ten seconds to a first impression, and that’s my first impression. Maybe you could say they exist to preserve the integrity of the current timeline, or something like that? Or say they exist to prevent people like Eddie from changing the timeline. Something to give us a better idea of the true importance of their purpose. Also, I’m not wholly sure what the central plot is. Why do they need to save this one particular life? What will happen if they don’t? Why will their love destroy them? Are they from opposing races, or is it their conflicting purposes?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 11:23 pm
Wizard of Oz retelling! That sounds fun, and I’d strengthen that association a little more. If there’s humor in the story, work it in–as while the general concept seems to have the potential for a lot of fun, the pitch isn’t really saying fun. It’s not really saying anything other than that there’s a romantic interest that keeps our surrogate Dorothy from wanting to go back to Kansas. For Dorothy there was no place like home, but for Emma, there’s no home better than Robin. Work with the famous recognized phrases from the Wizard of Oz to give this a sharper punch and give it more life.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 11:29 pm
The premise of this is throwing me off, as I’m wondering:
1. How do the dreams come true? Is this just a thing that happens, or an engineered technology?
2. How does anyone control their dreams? What do they do with the nightmare aberrations that can come from the human subconscious and manifest as terrible dreams?
3. This tyrant who enslaves dreamers–unless there are a limited number of teens on the planet, how can the tyrant take freedom from her world when the opposing forces can just use their own cadre of dreamers to create counter-technology?
Overall the details presented here are a little too loose, and make me question the foundations of the story enough that I’d be too worried about the plausibility to want to read more. On the technical front, the grammar is a little off, and there’s not much engagement in the language choices; it falls a little flat.
I do think that there’s a really good core idea in there, and I have faith that my questions are actually answered plausibly in your manuscript. But I’d find a way to present the basic premise of the story without so many open-ended details that create the foundation for doubts that can lead to a no.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 11:44 pm
Another awesome title. Your first sentence is a bit long, though, and could use either restructuring or even chopping apart into two sentences. I’d say try a different lead-in to make it more effective. Also, does she really count as a nomad if she’s being sent to a long-term boarding school? Lastly, what’s the conflict beyond the romance? Is the romance the main plotline, or is there some other adventure that these fairy tale reincarnations are involved in?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 11:53 pm
I would approach this from a different angle, as right now it looks like there’s a lot of unnecessary drama going on around a very commonplace event: being adopted. There seems to be something more sinister afoot that would result in Taylor going to juvie if she exposes the truth (btw, it’s not clear here that she doesn’t find out from her friend; she finds out through other means, and her friend doesn’t know). Is it because of who her BFF’s adopted parents are, or who her real parents are? Can you work in the reason why this secret is so imperative, beyond their friendship?
Also, the last sentence is stating the obvious. Keeping secrets is generally difficult and often problematic. I’d get rid of “now that’s a problem” and instead add something about the stakes to heighten the tension.

Robbin · July 23, 2012 at 8:29 am
Dear Mr. Adrien-Luc Sanders, You’re brilliant and I appreciate your feedback. Thank you! From Chicago 😉

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:03 am
Typos in this are a point against you when presenting a professional pitch, but the main issue is that this is presented as one sentence that creates quite a bit of confusion by relating things that really aren’t. Alexandria’s sudden attraction to Hayden doesn’t have anything to do with her town being a hotspot for magic. And even though we have this magical setup, we don’t know what significance it has to the story, or what her friends’ alternate identities might lead to as an inciting event for the central storyline. These are introductory details, but not really a pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:05 am
Be wary of the “seems to” trap. If she experiences this enough, she’d know whether or not they’re actually coming true, so you’re wasting words and softening the impact of the statement by using “seems to.”
These two statements don’t seem to come together. Can you use her prophetic dreams to say she saw Ragnarok coming, but could never predict Clayton or the effect he’d have on her?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:10 am
Wow, I had completely forgotten about senior lock-ins. Now I’m remembering my own from my high school days. I love that you evoke that.
You have all the right details here, and overall it’s a pretty engaging pitch, but it still feels a little stiff. I’d work on the sentence structure and try to smooth out the delivery so that when you read it aloud, it trips off the tongue a bit more easily. Basically try saying it aloud, and adjust the structure and punctuation to reflect what feels most natural when saying it.

AG · July 17, 2012 at 9:32 am
Name: Amanda Gardner @agwickedspirits contactamandagardner@gmail.com

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:59 am
You’ve captured the fun tone of this, but not really a single strong plot thread. What does her loveless streak have to do with smashing her bottle, ruining her life, or this person who did it? Who is this reality TV star, that the only way to destroy them is to end the world? I don’t feel like I know what the real story is here, just the subplots.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:55 am
This is cleanly presented, but it’s not quite connecting the ideas. Had the invisible wall kept the plague out, and that’s why she’s searching for those who brought down the wall? Or is that a separate idea? It feels like the danger here is more in the past; the plague happens, she survives…so what’s the danger to her now? Can you give a larger sense of the overarching purpose behind this and the key players so we have a bit more tension to draw our interest?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:04 am
Survivors’, not survivor’s–plural possessive, since you’re talking about a group of survivors.
You’ve got a great conflict, but I’m a little confused as to the timing. Was her father’s death something that happened in the distant past, or is this a recent thing? Did it happen before or after she moved there? If this is YA, and she’s a teen, how does she have the autonomy to move somewhere for a purpose without some kind of guardian?
These are the kind of things you can work in carefully with just slight changes in wording, to strengthen the core idea of the pitch and help support the clear conflict you’ve created–though one thing missing from the conflict is the consequences of disobeying her orders, to tell us why we should care about this choice.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:08 am
One fallback phrase you never want to use in your pitch is “everything changes,” because it’s generic stock phrasing that doesn’t really mean anything. In every story, things change. Give us more specific wording that gives us a glimpse of your writing style.
I’d wonder, with this pitch, what the point of time curving is, and why Chrissie cares so much about it. There’s the GMC issue here–goal, motivation, conflict. We know what Chrissie does, but not what she wants; only that she’s reacting to a situation Ashton created. Who steals the watch? Why does the watch matter? Why would this person stealing the watch do something that threatens the earth, if they live on the earth and would be eradicated along with it? Overall I think the details here are a little too vague and general, and this pitch would be stronger with specifics.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:12 am
Incorrect verb tenses. You want to put your best foot forward when you only have a few seconds to make an impression with a quick pitch, so make sure your grammar is spot-on.
This is the inciting event of the story, but not enough of a pitch to tell us the journey she’s facing–and what this sudden change in her life means. She’s tossed into the world of human and shapeshifter trafficking…but what then? What does she do about it? What obstacles does she face, and what is her final goal and the overall goal of the story?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:20 am
A gypsy matchmaker and a supernatural mob boss–I see why this got a request. 😉 This is a fairly tight pitch with a good level of engagement. I’d cut out the colon, though. Technically it’s correct, but it’s also correct without it–and it reads much more smoothly and strengthens the voice of the pitch.
For some reason seeing magic/magick spelled that way always makes my editor!brain twitch, though I know it’s correct in context. So ignore me there.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:32 am
You had me with a good, concise pitch until “and not fall in love.” It’s a negative action–not doing something–as opposed to the list of things she actually does. You could use a verb like “resist [name]’s love” to make it more active.
The fact that Lyra is 21 throws me a little; I’m guessing this is for New Adult, but it almost seems like it would be better as YA simply because of the parents’ death being the inciting event.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:46 am
I’d avoid second-person address in a pitch unless the entire thing is done in second person, addressing the reader/listener. Also, this loses its effectiveness when we don’t know what Lygos or Hunter signifies, or why this conflict exists between them. You don’t need “Despite the danger,” as that’s overexplaining a little bit and using words you could spend on knitting this together a bit more tightly.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:49 am
Love this title. Erotic comedy with BDSM…that’s not something you see often, and that alone I think would pitch this story just from sheer curiosity to find out how this works out. I’m not sure if “wacky fantasies” fits here, though, as it makes me think her BDSM scene includes dressing him up in a duck suit with a rubber clown nose instead of a beak, and that may be more comedic than you’re going for.
You had me hooked until “But he’s dead.” After such a tight opening sentence, this short, choppy caveat feels tacked on.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 9:00 am
The parenthetical aside makes this read more like notes you took for later than a pitch, and overall it’s a bit confusing as to why Tam is interested in solving Ana’s mystery about the fruit, who Dreamboy is, and overall what the core of the plot is. You may want to try writing this from a different angle, with a different focus. I’m seeing more about the potential relationships than the plot.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:45 am
You start off strong, but it kind of jumps over something critical once we get to “Their bond is strong.” This seems like a sudden sexy tryst with a lot of chemistry, so this strong bond seems like it doesn’t belong. I’d focus instead on the building relationship, rather than something that sounds like a foregone conclusion. Also, avoid vague wording like that; try to be specific in as few words as possible. Also, can you integrate a sense of the danger the dark secret poses?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:50 am
Overall the details presented don’t quite make sense–I can get a love/hate relationship with a person, but with the general concept of “the dead?” It’s not quite meshing into something that creates a valid premise that holds my attention. Also, phrasing creates some misconceptions “and a romance with her growing talents” took a few reads to realize you meant she’s balancing a romance while dealing with her growing talents, not somehow falling in love with her talents.
Also, an em-dash after “talents” would work better than the comma.
This says it’s paranormal with romantic aspects, but the main thing that stands out in the pitch is the romance, as a driving factor for the story. I don’t really see what the story is, other than that she has these talents–not the story that’s built around them. Why do spirits want her attention? Is there a problem she needs to solve? At what risk?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:56 am
This opens with a declarative statement that Sarah’s not a boy…but we never get why this matters. Are girls not allowed to be buccaneers? Why not? What does her gender have to do with the fact that she has to sail the high seas? (Also, “beribboned” implies feminine in some ways–though I’m hesitant to point that out as that’s falling back on typical gendered assumptions, but since this seems to be going by the gendered assumption that Sarah being a girl is somehow a limitation to her adventure…)
“To find out what she really is”–not a boy, but…not a girl? I’m really confused. You use a feminine pronoun and female name for her, so I think she’s a girl, but there’s the statement that she’s not a boy…is this a story to discover her gender, or a story to discover that she’s something other than human? How does this tie together? And the last question “Is the adventure on deck…or in the ocean?” is posing the wrong question to hook the audience. The location of the adventure shouldn’t matter so much as the significance of the secrets.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 11:01 am
YA LGBT with super villains! I had a little squee moment there.
Most of my nitpicks here are technical. Like “Harry knows…” You don’t need to say he knows. You can just say he did it, and since this pitch is about Harry, we know that Harry knows. There’s the generic “makes all his dreams come true.” I’d like to see something more evocative than that, as it’s a cliche. Also, it’s a little odd that Antonin is sweet, but he somehow enables revenge; that seems contradictory. But I love where you trail off here, and leave us wanting more.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 11:06 am
…just a little too off-center. I’m intrigued, but the wording isn’t quite on-target and the question posed by the pitch is a little too open-ended. I really like your concept, but the structural/technical execution of the pitch is a little backward. Can you create more of a sense of anticipation, a little breathlessness that captures this longing for an impossible romance with a fictional character, and that breath of hope that maybe he’s out there somewhere? I know that seems like a lot to do in 35 words, but picking just the right words can really make the feelings involved hit people between the eyes.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 11:50 am
This is another one that focuses more on the romance than on the story. Why is the fate of Atlantis threatened, or are we supposed to be drawing from common experience here regarding the mythical lost city? What does her piracy have to do with the central plot? There’s not enough of a hook here, even though that’s a clever closing line, albeit a bit ambiguous. Still has a nice rhythm to it and ends on a good note. I’d just like to see a bit of a tighter hook beforehand.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 11:55 am
Love the pun in the title.
Each of those em-dashes should be periods. That’d ramp this up to the next level immediately. But the last sentence is a little bland, and “where they become the hunted” implies that previously, they were the hunters, when there’s nothing to imply that in the pitch. I see the two lead characters’ individual stories, but how does this tie together? Where’s the paranormal aspect, so that from the pitch we know what we’re getting into?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:01 pm
I think we spend too much time on the intro sentences establishing characterization, leaving not enough time to really find out what’s going on. I’m not sure where the real conflict is–their secrets, or…? The impression I’d get from this is that it’s a rather slow-moving, almost literary story, when with this kind of tale you should be trying as hard as possible to convey the depth of emotion in the characters’ journeys. Also, why is Cara hiding her name from Spencer, and how is that significant to the story’s central plot?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm
That’s one heck of a mashup–alien invasions, half vampires, alternate Victorian London…but where’s the steampunk in the pitch? I don’t really see anything that indicates steampunk other than alternate Victorian London, and a lot of stories do that without it being steampunk. I think you might need to work in a little more characterization and some genre elements to strengthen this as a pitch, and not just a one-line summary.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm
This could be broken into more than one sentence for smoother presentation. Also, I’d like to see more of Lexi’s identity outside her desire to please other people. She’s determined to get a boyfriend…and she finally finds one guy who likes her. What about her standards? What about what she likes and wants–or will she just take any guy willing to have her?
I’d also like to see more about this “danger” Kat might be in. Why does Kat need protecting in the first place? I’d spend more time focusing on that, less on Lexi and potential romance. Weave in the conflicting relationships more cleanly.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:14 pm
It should be “when she breaks the Rules of Reaping,” not “as she breaks the Rules of Reaping.” Other than that, this is pretty well-crafted. I might be curious enough to give this a read if not for the fact that, like with the other stories I’ve pointed out with similar premises, there are just so many popular grim reaper YA stories out now and there’s nothing in this pitch to say this one’s different from the others.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Interesting plot elements, but I don’t see how they tie together. How is Lydia’s mother’s alcoholism pertinent? Actually, even the schizophrenia meds are extraneous information. We should say that Lydia’s undergoing treatment for schizophrenia, but her hallucinations turn out to be real. Though how does this hallucination lead to this choice with the Reapers? The timeline is unclear: is the story about the choice made during life, before she lives out a full life, or does she die in the story and have to choose then? What’s the actual driving central plot? I see her conflict and her choice, but what’s driving this choice? Why do the Reapers care about her so much that her friend is now in danger? Who is this friend to her, so we understand why she cares and why we should care?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Didn’t you enter another pitch for this same story already? Is this just offering a different version to see which one fares better?
This one is a significant improvement–more polished, with a better overall hook and pitch presentation. I’d still break this down into shorter sentences, and the ending of “and several bites” seems a little off.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Overall I like this, and I like the emotional connection created by the near nervous breakdown. The writing is good, clean and sharp. Two things that bother me:
1. I would think this is a fantasy, not urban fantasy, as there’s nothing to hint at the setting.
2. I don’t know why this magical artifact matters, other than that it’s “dangerous.” I’d like to know what happens if they fail, and if there’s further intrigue involved in the disappearance.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:31 pm
I’m not sure what “confront what survival will cost” will mean as a conflict, and would rather see more concrete details, along with something that indicates how the fact that they’re psychic integrates with the overall plot. Is there a larger story arc beyond their journey home? Do their psychic powers play into that?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Do you mean “confidantes” and not “confidants?”
What is a rampant archer? The phrasing doesn’t quite make sense.
“Complications abound” is generic fallback phrasing to avoid having to specify detail in as few words as possible.
Yet I do like this–it sounds kind of crazy, like a really different Beauty and the Beast retelling. The phrasing and pacing just need work, as it doesn’t deliver smoothly.

Artemis Grey · July 23, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Hehehe, I knew this one needed work 🙂
Both my dictionaries told me that “confidants” and “confidantes” are one and the same, so I’ll have to research that further and see if one is actually more formal and appropriate.
Rampant is a hard one. I finally settled on that word because of it’s meaning, yet it sounds so much better than an ‘out of control archer’ or ‘a fanatical archer’. The point is that the archer in the story is a dangerous and terrifying, frienemy at best, but of course that’s difficult to describe. Similarly, I don’t want it to sound like he’s a maniac. I will have to ponder that one long.
The ‘Complications abound’ is totally generic, and you caught me on that. I hadn’t planned on entering this one and didn’t have a pitch ironed out, but then we were allowed to enter a second ms, and I needed to get the romantic part of the story out front so it seemed logical as an entry. Guilty as charged on the short cut there.
Glad that you do like it though! And I’m glad that is sounds a tad crazy. I was really going for a classically styled, yet very different version.
Thank you again, so much, Adrien-luc! Your input has been invaluable!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Fates–plural, not possessive.
I’m not sure how Alex is “cast” as Cupid’s love–is this a play?
This looks like several plot ideas that don’t come together into a cohesive story. We keep starting to explain the plot…then diverting into another plot element.
When Alex is cast as Cupid’s love…
The Fates begin to replay his history…
Even a few kisses won’t be enough to make up…
Being possessed by his dead ex…
Each of those is a unique plot thread, but it’s written as if there’s causality between them, and there isn’t. The pitch isn’t telling me the link between these elements; it’s just telling me they’re there.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm
The incorrect grammar here is clouding your meaning.
1. If Vanessa’s an outcast, why does the popular boy want to be with her?
2. Using “until” this way makes it sound like falling prey to his evil nature makes him no longer want to be with her.
3. If he wants to be with her until she falls prey, does this mean he wasn’t evil before that drunken night?
4. What are the consequences of that night, other than losing Adam?
5. What does being an outcast have to do with not being beautiful? The story is called UGLY, but there’s nothing about that being a plot point in the pitch.
6. What’s the story outside of the romance?
7. So…Travis is a bad boy on top of Adam being evil? Is there a good guy in the story?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm
I’d suggest working in a more playful voice for this, as it sounds like there are hijinks waiting in the wings and the voice of the pitch needs to reflect that. If there aren’t, the voice needs to reflect what’s there. Is it an angsty story? A sweet one? I can’t tell from the pitch; I can only guess based on my personal perspective, that leans toward something playful, funny, but romantic with a bit more meat underneath the lighter story. Five people could read this pitch and tell you five different versions of the tone of the story. So try to make the tone of the pitch reflect the story’s tone. Also, try to work in the consequences of his choice.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm
This starts off as if we’re plunging in mid-scene, rather than reading a pitch to encompass the overall storyline. After that it’s too vague; is Katia not human? What are these new revelations pertaining to, at least in brief summary? Why are clones enslaved, and why does it say “the enslaved clones,” as if talking about a specific subset of them, instead of just “enslaved clones” (no the) in general?
It seems like there’s the seeds of an interesting SF plot here, but they’re buried in odd details that focus too much on one specific moment and not enough on the core plot and selling points of the book.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Setup, stakes, all there, so this is a really good start toward a catchy, tight pitch; your timing is pretty good. One thing I’m missing is why. It seems like there should be some greater reason for the demon to give her the mark, and some reason for it to be such a terrible thing that she wants to get rid of it. Is the only cost her soul? Or is there some larger plot afoot, and the demon’s pulled her into it? Is the angel her love interest? I don’t think you should shift the focus of the pitch to romance–it’s good that it’s plot first, relationship second. But maybe a hint that the reason the angel is risking his wings is because of personal investment.

Liv · July 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Thanks so much, Adrien-Luc. I appreciate the time you took to review the pitch and give me feedback on it.
Liv

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 7:08 pm
There’s a great YA voice here with that kind of youthful spark that appeals to that audience. If anything I’d say tighten up your sentence structure a little, and maybe make it clear who this guy is and how he’s involved in her attempts to stop this government project.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 7:50 pm
The impression I’m getting is that this is a sweeter story, almost more YA in tone but with NA age characters. But I don’t really feel like there’s any depth to it, and no conflict presented to tell me that over the course of the story, these characters will develop in any significant way. What is the story about, other than an introvert finding romance?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 7:59 pm
This seems almost more dystopian with supernatural elements than paranormal, just because you made the focus a dictatorial society. When you include elements like that in a pitch, it tells us they’re a focal point in the story…so if this isn’t a dystopian, and is just a dark paranormal, that shouldn’t be there.
Your inciting event doesn’t make sense–that she struggles to control her emotion-based power until her friend is held ransom. Once her friend is held ransom, does she no longer struggle to control it? Even if she chooses to use it, she’d need to control it enough for it to be of use.
Also, “held ransom for the one thing that would free her from oppression.” So Rena already has something that will free her? Why hasn’t she made use of it before all this happened? This isn’t quite coming together into something that makes cohesive sense and lets me know what kind of story I’m getting.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:02 pm
I’m not following Ash’s logic here. How is sneaking into a girls’ boarding school a way for him to escape a memory? Has he snuck in as in he’s hiding there short-term, or has he dressed up as a girl? As if this was a cross-dressing story, that’d be a lot more interesting and would give you something more to hook readers. Also, how does his roommate’s obsession tie to the plot, other than making it impossible for him to escape the memory? This is the setup, but what’s the story itself? What is Ash’s struggle, in the end?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:19 pm
This has a great premise that offers plenty of opportunity for romantic tension, humor, and angst, so you did a great job getting enough of the story into this to get that across. But the sentence structure is a little backward, and I’d try to make it clear that she’s hoping to get back with the ex. Also, it should be “sold to him.” Unless you mean “sold on him” as in convinced to like him, which leaves too much room for confusion considering the subject of the pitch. Lastly, the signature three kisses don’t really make sense–this is his thing? Or…it doesn’t make sense that kissing her would make her want to avoid him more, rather than less, if he’s the love interest. The ambiguity with “sold on him” also makes me wonder if he kisses her before he gets to “buy” her, and why.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:28 pm
The biggest problem with this is the run-on sentence. You might have a good story pitch in here, but the long string of modifiers makes it hard to follow and gets the story lost in these appended details. Break it up and remember: wind-up, then pitch. Clear, concise details. Tell me the actual story, not just generalities.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:34 pm
In your pitches I’m seeing that you do have a talent for coming up with uniquely fun YA contemp ideas, but in the pitches I’m also seeing that the actual story comes across a bit muddled and there’s an assumption of knowledge the reader/listener wouldn’t have, like what a Secret Stalker is. I’m also not seeing the significance of the message, and what kind of threat it poses to her; I think working in what the message is about would help. Also, the grammar makes it hard to tell: is Evan’s message about the stalker persona, or about Savannah herself?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm
The only thing I’m taking away from this is that he’s going through some kind of transformation–but not what journey is taking him there, or any sense of the danger to him. I’m not sure what he is, so I don’t know the significance of the thousand lifetimes, or what it means that this is his final chance. Does he die? What is Completion, and why does it matter to attain it? This is a rather bizarre premise–and I mean that in a good way. I like stories that just make you stop and say “Wait, what?” because they’re so fantastical, and this sounds like it would deliver on that, and offer the story of a very unique character. The problem with bizarre, though, is that sometimes you have to normalize it to pitch it, so you can at least present it in a frame of reference the pitchee can understand without needing complex definitions of what Capritare is and what Completion means.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 9:10 pm
Opening sentence is a good setup–we know the problem, and why Kat is involved, considering the relationship with her sister. But I’m not sure who are vampires: Kat and her sister, or the dead bodies? Is that why they’re suspects, because they’re vampires–and is that why it’s a problem to the story? This doesn’t really give us an idea of what the greater plot must be beyond the false accusation, and who’s really committing the murders, and why. Also “the handsome FBI agent” should be “a handsome FBI agent” because “the” implies we’ve known of this agent before and we’re making a reference to something we’ve encountered before–when this is the first time we’re hearing of him.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 9:14 pm
I like that this plays with gender roles, and with teaching girls to accept themselves as equal to boys and not inferior–but I’d like to see a little more detail as to why the crash teaches her this lesson. I’m not sure of the setting; does she crash on another planet, since this is sci-fi? Does her vehicle crash in the wilderness? What struggle does she have to face after the crash? Without that information, this is just a setup without an actual pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 9:23 pm
This switches between first and third person, so that’s a little confusing. I like the storyteller voice here, and it’s a good tack to take to establish voice and engage the reader. It’s almost mysterious. But that tense shift is incorrect.
I do wonder what Olivia is addicted to, and while the pitch could be stronger with a hint of that information, it’s not 100% essential. It’s just odd that she grows addicted to paying her price without knowing the form the payment takes–or is she addicted to the things she receives, and this is the story of the consequences of her greed?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 9:31 pm
The voice in this isn’t quite coming through; it reads a little passive, and I think the run-on sentence with numerous modifiers is muddling it further. Try to go for short, sharp sentences that focus less on the extraneous details and more on playing up the potentially spooky atmosphere of the story, and what it signifies that she’s thrown into this world of ghosts and demons. What’s the danger to her, what does she stand to lose, and what action does she take to escape?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 9:40 pm
Is it the pack, or her pack? One connects her to this concept, the other doesn’t.
This feels like it’s missing some key element to tie her dead father in to her intentions to find the murderer. Like if the person murdered is her father; it’s implied, but too vaguely. How is she supposed to use him as a witness, btw? Can she communicate with the dead? The last line would probably be better spent exploring this and building up to a cliffhanger hook. We already know she’s not going to listen to them, because you told us she’s searching for a murderer despite others’ insistence that she let them handle it. So you’re losing precious space to redundant information.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:08 pm
Ambiguous phrasing–is the thing death can’t protect her against the darkness itself, or the thing waiting in the darkness?
I really like your opening line, though. Creates a strong sense of mood and tone, immediately evoking a spooky, dark story. I’d avoid use of passive voice(is waiting) and try to strengthen this using more active, engaging language so that the sense of atmosphere pervades.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:16 pm
This is a fascinating premise–reminds me of the very first episode of Mushi-shi, and the boy with the god hand where the things he writes with his mushi-tainted hand come to life, but with a darker bent. I’m curious, though…how can she risk turning into a demon, when the pen’s effects seem to be projected on other people, not on the user? That’s the implication I’m getting, anyway. The only thing that feels missing here is a sense of motivation–why the demons would want to kidnap anyone, and basically the point of these events. Otherwise, though, it’s a cleanly written pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:22 pm
I don’t even–I can’t find anything to nitpick about this, and it’s making me a tiny bit crazy. Seriously, even though I normally hate seeing “finds herself” in anything, from a pitch to a query, it works here. It’s clean, seamless, well-timed, great voice, great tension, all the key details there, and your ending tease is catchy and well-phrased.

Scottie Honeysuckle · July 24, 2012 at 8:42 am
Well, that critique made my day thankyouverymuch. I will keep it in mind to avoid “finds herself” – good to know it can be a pet peeve.
Thanks so much for all the time you put into this!

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm
This is one of those few instances where I’d actually say a first-person pitch works better than a third-person pitch…in text. Spoken, this won’t work, and pitches are more designed to be spoken than delivered via textual medium despite the platform of this contest. I really like this, though, so instead of tweaking it I’d say have an alternate version in third person that takes a completely different tack and can be delivered smoothly in conversation.
Actually, I’m not sure how I missed this; I’d really like to see the full. (I don’t think it’s on anyone else’s request list–if it is and I overlooked it, ignore me. If it’s not, could you send the full as a .RTF to adrien-luc(at)entangledpublishing(dot)com? Thanks!)

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:33 pm
Now I have that song, “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart,” stuck in my head. Only not the real version. The Minnie Mouse version that used to come on this weird ABC Disney musical special when I was a kid.
…
Yeah. Don’t ask.
Right! The pitch. Okay, so I’m tentatively getting this idea that Jace is trying his infamous charm on Emmie, and it’s not working? That’s not clearly conveyed, nor am I sure why she’d have to “show him who was boss” when it doesn’t really seem like he’s trying to be the boss of her. The contrast between country and city isn’t really coming through all that cleanly, either; the elements are there, but they aren’t solidly positioned to oppose each other so the execution has the right snap.

Kam · July 24, 2012 at 11:43 pm
Thank you for the feedback. I can see what you mean so I really appreciate the help:-)

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:38 pm
Another one where I think the setting details are a little too skimpy, as without the details at the top telling us that it’s fantasy, this could be anything. I might even think it was a Civil War era historical, or the Revolutionary War. This might even be a contemporary with revolutionary terrorist groups. Without those setting details we don’t know what kind of former hero we’re dealing with, and there’s a big difference between a fantasy hero and a historical hero.
We’re also missing the driving impetus of why they’re after her brother. And while he’s characterized here as a former hero, she’s really not–when she’s the main character. The pitch should be about her, who she is, and what drives her, not about his past.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:42 pm
Nice–just enough to pull me in and make me care about Mike’s situation, and what will happen to him. It also establishes him as a sympathetic character who makes mistakes and has room to grow over the course of the story. The only thing I’d change is maybe specifying what he cares about, that he’s on the verge of losing. Just to bring it home a little more.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:46 pm
Kierna is the main character, but we don’t really know who she is and the pitch is only somewhat about her, as if coming at it sideways. I’m guessing she’s nobility, with the kingdom…but what’s her role in the story other than the object of the gargoyles’ hunt? Who is she, so we care why they’re trying to harness her powers? Also, “Emris of Palaten” assumes a familiarity we don’t have. Normally I prefer seeing names in the pitch, but in this case I think it would make more sense with something like “the devious prince of a neighboring kingdom” or something like that. Give us his role in the story and what he means to her conflict.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Incorrect grammar in the first sentence makes this stumble. “Being strapped together” would fix it, or changing the last clause to “Matt and Brigid are forced into a hasty intimacy.” (Quick is an odd word to choose–hasty might get the idea across better.) The second sentence is a little passive and flat, and doesn’t ask a question that makes me want to read the book to find the answer. It’s more just a quiet summary of events with no anticipation.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 11:45 pm
Nice enemies to lovers trope, though if there are extenuating circumstances involving Justina becoming the uncle’s mistress, maybe you could spend a few words hinting at them to create sympathy for the heroine. Otherwise we have a somewhat unsympathetic h/h that won’t inspire a deeper read. That “Why?” is throwing the balance off, as well. I’d try rewriting from a different approach because right now, it’s a little jerky. A pitch needs just the right sense of timing.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 11:51 pm
It’s kind of contradictory to say she’s plan-phobic and yet was making other plans, only for life and love to interrupt.
Other than that, though, this looks fun–like you’ve got a good balance between humor and romance, and that comes through well in your pitch with enough characterization to grab our interest and make us want to get to know these two and see how they manage to fall in love.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 23, 2012 at 11:57 pm
INDIANA JONES. (Typos do kind of rack up points against your pitch.
This is something I haven’t seen many do with their pitch–use pop culture references to convey the ideas involved quickly and neatly. It’s quite effective, and you do it well here. The only thing that’s missing is really making Marco’s were-jaguar nature more relevant to their relationship and to the drug syndicate. You could work on the phrasing, too, maybe try a “When ______, then _____________” setup–that one’s a quick and easy way to craft an effective pitch.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 24, 2012 at 12:02 am
The repetition of the word “secrets” here makes it lose all meaning, combined with a second sentence that’s kind of overstuffed with too much detail for one sentence. Plus you lose me at “than the want to keep everything secret.” The phrasing is awkward, and I’m not sure how her desire to keep the secret is damaging. Just the simple desire doesn’t do anything. It’s how she acts on it. Overall it’s mostly just vague talk of secrets that doesn’t give me enough of the story to capture my interest.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 24, 2012 at 12:05 am
Catchy phrasing undermined by fragmented writing. It looks like some words got cut out to make the 35-word limit, but it makes it come across stilted when the goal was to craft a complete, evocative pitch in 35 words. Also, while it sounds clever, “discovers paper marriage equals confetti between the sheets” is kind of ambiguous. Does that mean the contract gets shredded into confetti when things don’t go the way she anticipates? Or that it’s a burst of confetti when they come together in bed? If it’s the latter, why would that stop her from making it to the altar if she’s enjoying herself in bed, which would seem like an added perk?

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 24, 2012 at 12:12 am
I don’t feel like we have enough of a foundation to really know what’s going on here with the concept of a Green, and that maybe instead of using specific terms you should instead focus on the overarching idea of racial tension, since this seems to be an allegory for modern and historical racial prejudices exaggerated in a science fiction world. The problem is the pitch only gives us a hint of that allegory, and not really anything to make it personal to the character. When your theme is this obvious and doesn’t have much characterization to support it, it tends to turn people off from a genre story.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:22 am
This looks fun, but not like anything really new; I’ve seen this premise in several movies and books in the last twenty years. The writing itself is snappy enough that I think it’d engage enough for many people to take it on faith and hope it was something with a new twist. I think you’d strengthen the pitch a lot, though, if you found a way to present a unique angle. Otherwise it’s a retelling of a retelling of a retelling.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:28 am
You’ve got your basic concept down, but I feel like I’m missing the key details that would make this personal. I’d like to feel more about the personal stakes to Kolina, and why this story has any significance to her, to the kingdom, and to this strange power. An evil king is a pretty generic villain, and I’d like to know what this evil king has done (or is doing) that makes him her personal enemy. I’d try the pitch again from a wholly different angle, focusing on different details.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:30 am
This isn’t a 35-word pitch; it’s a 95-word query blurb. The goal of this contest was to encourage writers to create a quick elevator pitch: 1-3 sentences that can be delivered smoothly and in a matter of seconds, that encompass a story’s concept and central plot. Try to take this and trim it down to only the essentials.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:36 am
There’s some awkward phrasing that’s throwing me off, and this is another that would be stronger broken into multiple sentences. I’d like to see a clearer connection between Maddie’s brother and the steroid trade, and how it led to his death. You could probably cut out “unknowingly,” as they’ll know soon enough when they’re targeted and people start taking action against them. Overall, though, you’ve got a strong enough hook in there to get people interested.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 22, 2012 at 1:41 am
This is really just skimming the surface of the story, and needs to be expanded a little into something that sinks its teeth into the meat of the plot with stronger, cleaner writing and a more expressive voice. A lot of the pitches I’ve queried made me ask questions–some good, some bad. This one doesn’t leave me with any questions because there aren’t enough details to raise curiosity. Ask yourself: what primary question does my story answer? Then try to work the setup for that question into your pitch. It’s like a Q&A; your pitch is the question, your story the answer.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 24, 2012 at 12:15 am
Mostly pretty good–character motivation, deep-seated conflict, current conflict all presented succinctly. But I can’t help but wonder: what’s her conflict past her romance, and her history? Where’s her real story, beyond a relationship and dealing with her guilt? Can you work that into your pitch so that we know there’s a solid story here underneath her character development?

Vicki Tremper · July 25, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Thanks! I normally tack the romance onto the end of the pitch, so her story goal got lost to the short word count.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 24, 2012 at 12:20 am
This needs to slow down–we’ve got a run-on sentence that comes across a bit stream-of-consciousness, making it hard to digest the actual meaning of the words. Break it up.
Since this is Megan’s story, the pitch is basically from her POV, and I don’t think she’d refer to herself as a fiancé. Especially when she’s just been dumped by her fiancé.
What does Bryant’s difficult life decision have to do with their relationship? Can you tie that in? What about an indication of Megan’s conflict, considering her lack of trust? It seems like her trust stops being an issue after she meets Bryant.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 24, 2012 at 12:24 am
I’m guessing you posted this twice to get feedback on two different versions of the pitch. This one is a little bit stronger with Bryant specifically having to choose between two life paths, but the run-on issues and other questions I posed in the other version are still there.

Adrien-Luc Sanders · July 24, 2012 at 12:29 am
This could be saved from run-on territory by adding an em-dash: “global British star Ian–but their unexpected attraction, etc.”
“Childhood guy friend” is awkward.
“Revealing her true destiny” is vague.
There’s a spark to the story idea, though, and if you can refine your pitch I think your premise could really grab attention. Work on the grammar first, then on adding a bit of flair by infusing your style.