Day 14 (Part 1) of the Pitch Wars Query Workshop with mentors, Heather Van Fleet & Jessica Calla

Heather and  Jessica’s Query Critique . . .

AGE CATEGORY: Adult
GENRE: Historical

Dear Pitch Wars Mentor,

Countess Elizabeth Bathory’s legend claims she killed over 600 servant girls and bathed in their blood to retain her youth, but legends aren’t always true. [Fantastic opening line. This immediately makes me want to keep reading. HVF] [Hi! So this is historical fiction? Is this a true legend or did you make it up? Just curious! JC]

Born to a prestigious noble family in the sixteenth century and married to Ferenc, the Black Hero of Hungary, Elizabeth is wealthier than her Hapsburg king. [Who is her Hapsburg king? This has no meaning to me at this point. At this point, I’m not sure if mentioning her wealth is that important. If anything, I would cut that and get to the part about her independence while her husband is gone. HVF] [Agreed with HVF- Not sure if Ferenc the Black Hero is the Hapsburg King, or is someone else? JC] While her husband fights to keep the Turks at bay Elizabeth is free to run the family estates and practice her healing knowledge. She enjoys a measure of independence and political clout few other women know. . [Can you combine this sentence with the one above? They both insinuate the same thing. JC] When some of Elizabeth’s servant girls [I’d challenge you to change “some of” to something different- some of sounds too casual IMO, JC] die of mysterious causes [not sure if “causes” is the right word to use. I would stick with reasons], rumors begin to circulate about Elizabeth and the blood on her hands. [I feel like you need a tie-in word between these two sentences like ‘thankfully, or luckily’ HVF.] [Are the rumors about her healing knowledge as the thing that killed the girls? Intriguing! JC] The rumors are quieted by her husband, but they don’t stay quiet [You only have a few words to make your query pop. Avoid repetition as much as you can. Here, you’ve used quiet twice, even though they are in different forms. HVF] forever.

Ferenc’s death leaves her a vulnerable widow in a world run by men. Men who owe her large debts they have no intentions of paying back. [But she was okay with this before when F. was fighting. Now that he’s dead I guess they aren’t holding back? JC]  Without Ferenc to protect her, Elizabeth is alone and surrounded by enemies and family , all of whom use their greedy to avoid their debts and have a slice of her wealth even if they have to kill her to get it. [This reads awkward. May need to break it up? JC] Her own mistakes are the ammunition they need to bring the countess down with false accusations, but Elizabeth is prepared to fight back until her last breath. [This paragraph feels like a different book to me. Does it tie into the servants dying? So they use the servants dying against her to bring her down and get her wealth? Also, this sentence is worded awkwardly. The “her” to start, and then “they” and then “Elizabeth” and then “her.” Maybe something like: When they try to bring her down with false accusations, Elizabeth’s prepared to fight back until her dying breath.” JC]

A COUNTESS BETRAYED is an adult historical at 90,000 words. It follows the life of Elizabeth from her early teenage years as an unhappy bride-to-be, to a betrayed countess locked up in her own castle to die. [So it’s historical fiction, not historical romance. You may want to add the word “Fiction”? Not sure if you have to, but the title (which I love) sounds a little Regency Romance-y, so you may want to. JC]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I’m normally not a historical fan, but you have definitely intrigued me with this premise! Wow, fabulous job. I think by cutting back on the extra details, especially in that second paragraph, and a few tweaks having to do with repetition, and this will be ready to query in no time ~ Heather

I agree with Heather! It sounds like Elizabeth is a strong, tragic heroine. I’m getting a little Dany from Game of Thrones vibe (even though that’s fantasy, but I mean that kind of heroine) in the best kind of way. Without having read it, I would try to pitch this as an epic journey of a woman. Maybe historical women’s fiction? A couple of your sentences are a little awkward—maybe they are too long or trying to say too much? Also, remember that your query is sort of like your back cover blurb—to grab the reader and make them want to open the book. I’d be happy to look at your second draft if you want- jessicacallaauthor@gmail.com. Good luck !

Thank you, Heather  & Jessica, for your critique!

Interested in more critiques? We’ll be posting critiques through the first part of July. Hope you’ll read on. And get ready! The Pitch Wars Mentor Wishlist Blog Hop starts July 19 with the Pitch Wars submission window opening on August 2nd.