Query Workshop … critiques by Thomas Torre

It stinks being a middle child, especially for Fin. (Of course it stinks 🙂 You can probably cut this first line out and jump right into something from the second paragraph as it’s a lot stronger and acts more like a hook! And that’s what agents need – they need to be reeled in.)His sleek otter body started showing stripes once he turned 12, and although he likes being ahead of everyone, having his body change before those of his friends makes him stand out. (Perhaps you can re-word it to read something like “The last thing twelve-year-old, Fin wanted was to be a Paradox — then go into the explanation of what a paradox is from your second paragraph.) I feel His parents make him take care of his baby sister, who refuses to hatch from her egg and shouts “Roop roop!” just to embarrass him. Meanwhile, his older sister is the coolest kid around and destined for fame. How’s he supposed to compete with that?

(While I know you’re trying to give a little bit of character back story with Fin and by talking about his family, his friends and growing up, the first paragraph should be more about the hook. You can possibly keep the little sister bit in there, since she is a main part of the stakes in this story. The paradox part in the second paragraph is where I was grabbed, so I really think you should start there.)

The fact that Fin has grown up with a medical condition doesn’t help – he’s a Paradox. He gets lost when he knows the way. He’s only right when he doesn’t know the answer. Sometimes his shadow points in the wrong direction. He’ll never be either cool or famous. Paradoxes never get what they want. It’s in their nature. Not cool at all. (You can add – “That is, until the Monkey King appears demanding the aid of one…)

(As I said before, the second paragraph works much better as a hook – then you can tie it in with the appearance of the Monkey King as I wrote in above).

It’s only when a devious figure called Monkey King shows up demanding a Paradox that Fin learns he could be valuable, even if he doesn’t understand why. Then the Monkey King kidnaps Fin’s little sister instead of him and he doesn’t know what to do. (I would possibly re-word this as: Fin finally believes that being a Paradox will serve a purpose, but he isn’t what the Monkey King had in mind. Instead his sister his snatched away from him and left in the clutches of the Monkey King.)

(Maybe add – It’s up to Fin now to push his status as a Paradox aside and save his sister. But- It’s hard to be a hero when wanting to be one could turn you into a sidekick or even a villain. Fin isn’t just his own worst enemy – he’s a problem for everyone who’s trying to help.  (I’m a little confused as to what this last line means – you may want to say what will cause him to be a side kick or villain. I’m assuming this is for the Monkey King?)

The Story of the Story of the Egg is a 46,000-word upper middle grade fantasy adventure that takes place in the Stacks and the Walled Garden of Story City, where all stories come from and where they meet their authors. The novel will appeal to fans of Tove Jansson’s Moomin novels and Norton Juster’s The Phantom Tollbooth.

(Good! You’ve compared it to some other novels! Great for agents to get an idea as to what the market is. I’m a little worried about the word count at 46,000 for an “upper-middle grade” but I’m not one to judge. Word counts are subjective sometimes.)

In addition to prose, I sometimes write plays, one of which won an award at the 2009 Prague Fringe Festival. Without question, writing fiction is the best thing I have done with the skills I learned getting my degrees in Folklore (which yes, you can still get).  (You can probably cut out the last part, or at least merge the two sentences into one. Totally optional though as this is up to you how you want to portray your bio.)

As per your submission guidelines, I’m including the first three chapters as an attachment.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,

(You’ve got a good voice in the query, and I can definitely see this as a middle grade adventure. You may just want to revisit this to really let the stakes stand out; explain the true purpose of the Monkey King to raise the stakes even higher. Fin is a paradox, and something that is obviously not accepted, but he has to use this status somehow to “save the day”. I can only guess this is an underdog story, so you really want to make it stand out as one!

I would also really suggest going through each of the query critiques being posted as it would be a great we to get a feel for how other queries work. You’ve got an interesting idea on your hand and I would hate to see it get lost! Good luck!)