Over the next few weeks, some really special friends of mine are stopping by to critique participants’ love scenes. Please join us and find out what’s working and what’s not with our lucky winners’ scenes.
And here’s something about my next guest …
Kimberly P. Chase
Kimberly writes young adult science fiction and is represented by Brittany Howard of the Corvisiero Literary Agency. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Aeronautical Science, which basically means she’s kind of a geek and loves flying airplanes. Naturally, her books tend to include aviation, hot flight instructors, aviator glasses, and let’s not forget kissing! When Kimberly’s not flying, writing, or reading, she’s hanging out with her husband, three-year-old son, and two dogs.
You can follow Kimberly on Twitter at @kpchase817, follow her blog here, and on facebook here.
Kimberly’s critiques …
TITLE: SISTER STAR
GENRE: Young Adult Contemporary
SCENE:
I was wrong. Henry must be Mason’s best friend to put up with this. He’s probably never hated me more and thinking he’s mad renews the waterworks. Henry runs his hands through his shaggy black hair. He looks upset as he kneels in front of me, feeding me more tissues. I start apologizing, hoping the words I rarely use—I’m sorry—sound sincere. Good opening. I want to read more… But before I can finish, Henry kisses me. How? He was just kneeling in front of her. Is she on the floor? (I might just not know this b/c I’m jumping into the middle of a scene)
It’s slow at first. But when my teeth gently tug his lower lip, noises I didn’t know a person could make bubble out of his throat and we’re kissing soft, hard, and everything in between. The kiss happened a little too fast for me. I want details as to how they actually start kissing. For example I’d do something like this: “But before I can finish, Henry scoots closer to me, wiping a tear off my cheek. His hand is soft–hesitant. I’m speechless as he slowly leans down, brushing his lips across mine. It’s slow at first…” Henry’s hands slide up my thighs, grab my hips, pull me in. His fingers tangle in my hair as my mouth trails down his neck, resting in the perfect hollow between his collarbones. His growls vibrate against my lips.
Now I understand Nicole risking Ethan’s wrath for Pool Boy. I crackle like a July 4th sparkler. Skin prickly and blazing hot. Love this description. Pulse pounding in my ears. Breath fast and uncontrollable. Nothing matters except getting closer. Beautiful!*swoon*
I shift onto my back. Henry braces himself on one arm above me, brown eyes dazed and glassy. The callused fingertips of his free hand flutter delicately over me like he’s afraid I’ll break, making me shudder. Brushing bare skin above my shorts. Slipping under my t-shirt. Tracing my ribs. Edging beneath my bra. HOT HOT HOT!
He whispers, “Collie, have you–“
Noise spills into the house, cutting him off. Henry jumps up. He glances at his crotch and groans. Embarrassed is definitely a new look for him. I swallow a giggle. I want to brag I totally did that but what just happened has to stay amazing. I turn away so he can adjust himself in private.
When I look back, he’s gone.
I would definitely keep reading. I think a few more details are needed in the beginning as to how they actually start kissing, followed by more of a build up to the hot steamy make out session. After that your descriptive writing comes out beautifully for the remaining kiss. Thank you for sharing this with me. 3>
Title: The Sorcerer’s Blade
Genre: YA Fantasy
SCENE:
Kiral touched his cheek with her free hand. “You forget. I’m not a noble, either.”
That brought Ari’s attention back to her. “What are you talking about?”
This opening was a little hard to follow b/c it took me a few seconds to figure out who was the girl and who was the boy. I know I’m jumping into this in the middle, so I hope I’m getting this right. Kiral-Girl and Ari-Boy??
She took a step closer to him. “My mother was a commoner.” Another small step. (Isn’t she already touching him? She has her hand on his cheek, right? If that’s the case, she can’t be that far away from him to keep having to step closer.)“My father—my real father—is not the king, but a friend of hers from childhood.” Kiral took another step toward him, now close enough she could have sat on his lap. “And the reason I kissed you is because I love you.”
He stared at her as though she’d said the sky was purple. “What?”
The words were out there. She’dsaid them, and she couldn’t take them back. She wasn’t sure she’d want to, anyway. “I love you, Ari.”
“Oh.” Then, “Oh, damn it.”
Ari He dragged her to him and kissed her.
Kiral had thought she’d known what kissing was. Well, she’d imagined there was a little more to it, but bare handful of kisses she’d seen—usually minstrels putting on a play—had given her a general idea of what went on. She had expected something more in line with the kiss she had given him at the Festival. Too much internal thinking for me. What’s going on and how does she feelwhile she’s thinking all of this? I want to be swept away by sensations.;)
She had never been so happy to be proven so very, very wrong.
Ari angled his mouth over hers, running his hands up her arms and then tangling his fingers in her hair. Each brush of his lips, his tongue, sent delightful shivers through her. Kiral linked her arms around his neck, clinging for dear life. YES!
He traced her lower lip with his tongue. She gasped, and then his tongue was inside her mouth, a sensation both utterly shocking and wonderful at the same time. Everything outside her fell away. *swoon*
If he stopped, she would murder him.
Thanks for sharing this with me! I think you can slim down some of the internal thinking bits, but overall a nice kiss.
Come back tomorrow for more love scene critiques!
Comments welcome! As always, be respectful and kind with your comments.
1 Comment
Adrianne Russell · February 21, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Thanks for the critique! I’ve really enjoyed reading these.
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