DOGGONE VOICE EXT: TAGESTRAUM

Leigh Ann · June 29, 2012 at 10:25 am

Hm. Okay. Put that first line in quotes or italics so that I can “hear” or “remember” it along with the narrator.

I’m feeling a disconnect with this one, too, for some reason I can’t place. I’m so sorry. Maybe one of my other advisors can be more helpful here. I think it is something about the long paragraphs made up of long sentences – I feel like I have to wade through them, and the rhythm isn’t conducive to drawing me in and letting me “hear” your MC.

Ah, see? Yes, in the paragraph about the moon we have a bit more flow. Can you try to bring more of that into other paragraphs?

Really nice writing, and so great to see another 3rd person! Yay!

callmebecks · July 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

I love this opening and this concept. There is some great, chilling description. The only thing is I think it can be trimmed to really highlight those creepy moments. Your strength is in the image – the freaky sketch on the coffee table, the man staring at it in the middle of the night. Keep us there as much as possible.

IN-LINE CRITS:

The Nightmare Man came today. (There will never be a time when I get over how awesome this opening line is.)

Adrian could still hear the echo of Nathaniel’s words in his mind – the words the boy had said when he made the drawing. The sketch now stared up at Adrian from his coffee table with its wide, blank eyes. Though drawn in black crayon, it was still recognizable: (I think “Though drawn…recognizable:” can be cut. It doesn’t strike me as necessary details and it prolongs the time till we get to this:) a tall cloaked man with a gaping mouth rimmed in teeth like the maw of some deep-sea fish. (GREAT description.)

What bothered Adrian about The Nightmare Man wasn’t his menacing appearance or Nathaniel’s insistence on his reality. It was the nagging feeling of familiarity, the feeling that Adrian had not only seen this creature, he actually knew him in some way. (I think you can cut these sentences, too. Most of what you want to convey is clear in the following sentence.) The first time Nathaniel had shown him the drawing, months ago now, a cold chill had crept up Adrian’s back, a sense of déjà vu that he could not entirely place. It bothered him. Now, with Nathaniel missing and the newest drawing staring up from its place on the coffee table, it bothered him a whole lot more.

In his hand, the cell phone was sweaty and the heat of the battery was uncomfortable against his palm. In his other hand, he turned the detective’s business card over and between his fingers. (This strikes me as getting a little too down n’ dirty with the description details. It could probably be condensed into one sentence.) Outside, the moon was high and pale in the sky. A dog barked, somewhere, but otherwise all was still.

He had been working with the Weavers for eight months, beginning just after Mr. Weaver was arrested for assaulting a prostitute – the last of many episodes and the first his wife couldn’t forgive him for. (I kind of want to stay in the present instead of getting some backstory here. Not sure what comes after this, but I’m more compelled by this image of Adrian sitting alone with the Nightmare Man staring up at him.)

T.L. Bodine · July 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

*whistles innocently* I fail at leaving comments properly. Let me try this again, only WITH what I meant to post.
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You guys rock. Thanks for the crits. If I want to revise, I can just re-post it here, right? Here — try this on for size. *hopes I’m doing this right*
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The Nightmare Man came today.

Adrian could still hear the echo of Nathaniel’s words in his mind – the words the boy had said when he made the drawing. The sketch now stared up at Adrian with wide, blank eyes. Though drawn in black crayon, it was still recognizable: a tall cloaked man with a gaping mouth rimmed in teeth like the maw of some deep-sea fish.

The first time Nathaniel had shown him the drawing, months ago now, a cold chill had crept up Adrian’s back, a sense of déjà vu that he could not entirely place. It bothered him. Now, with Nathaniel missing and the picture staring up from its place on the coffee table, it bothered him a whole lot more.

The heat of the cell phone’s battery was uncomfortable against his sweaty palm. In his other hand, he turned the detective’s business card over and between his fingers. Outside, the moon was high and pale in the sky. A dog barked, somewhere, but otherwise all was still.

The phone clicked in his ear as the voice mail picked up. Adrian waited for the beep, then said, “Hey, Detective Roark? It’s Adrian Montgomery again, from Social Services, about the Weaver case? I’m not sure if my last call went through…you didn’t call me back. I just wanted to –“

The phone beeped, and the call disconnected.

Adrian dialed it again. It took longer to connect this time. Finally, the line picked up, and a woman’s electronic monotone said, “We’re sorry. The voice mailbox you are calling is full. Goodbye.”

Brenda Drake · July 2, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Oh, P.S. I’d italicize that first line since it’s a memory of something Nathaniel said.