DOGGONE VOICE EXT: HAUNTED LEGACY

Leigh Ann · June 29, 2012 at 10:22 am

Okay! Nice work on this one! Even though the first couple paragraphs are VERY info-dumpy (and I assume you’ll change that before you sub) this really does read like a transcription of a teenager talking. The words and the rhythm of speech are just THERE. I feel like this is an entry that you took the time to read aloud to make sure it sounded natural, or it’s a VERY good fake. 😉

Just a thought – break up the paragraphs a little more, like her speech is. Easier on the eyes.

I’ll throw out my parenthetical warning again here – be deliberate with your use of parentheticals as you move through the WiP. Make sure that the character is using them consistently – for the same reason, for example, maybe when she’s observing a detail about setting, or when she’s snarking about something. Otherwise, your parenthetical use will not be “voice” but instead just be “sloppy writing.” 😀

callmebecks · July 1, 2012 at 10:29 am

There’s definitely some strong, solid voice in here, but it’s too much of an infodump in my opinion. One paragraph is fine, but after that, I’d love to see some interactions – with other characters or her environment or something.

IN-LINE CRITS

Blah, blah, blahbity, blah.

I suppose our tour guide used actual words instead of gibberish, but (Part of me wants you to start here.)I stopped paying attention about twenty minutes ago. Meanwhile, the rest of my classmates stood entranced, staring at their surroundings like they’d never seen anything so amazing in their lives — complete with the requisite oohs and aaahs. (I have a little trouble believing that an entire high school class would be fascinated by a castle. There would at least be a few that would be equally bored because history + old things = blah. Honestly, I think you can cut this line entirely without losing anything.) Honestly. It’s a castle. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all. They’re big, they’re gaudy, they’re like bad leftovers (no one wants to eat them and no one wants to throw them away), (I LOVE this.) and they’re places I’ve wandered about since I was old enough walk around on my own without tripping and falling — and thus breaking — some priceless heirloom.

No, I’m not a princess or anything remotely akin to royalty. (Personal preference: A first-person MC breaking the fourth wall turns me off as a reader. It’s kind of like those rhetorical “Have you ever wondered…” questions.) I have the unfortunate luck of being the daughter of two of the leading experts in Neo-European monarchs and palaces. You know those stupid docuvids on Travel and History channelboxes about the top ten most interesting castles to visit in Neo-Europe? Well, if you got caught up in one, then you’ve seen my parents jabbering away. Mom and dad can’t get enough of anything gold leafed, gaudy, and tapestry covered. I wish I could blame this obsession on the fact that my very American father married my very Britlandish mother and he fell in love with all things foreign — but fact remains that my father met my mother while he was examining the woodworking inside New Cardiff Castle. (I would vote to cut this paragraph and work this information in elsewhere. I don’t need the MC to sit down and tell me all of this right away, and I’d rather move onto the good stuff.)

It was love at first sight. Gag me.

Anya Harker · July 2, 2012 at 7:50 pm

OKAY. Here’s the revised version. Moved some stuff around and broke it up as per-critiques!

Blah, blah, blahbity, blah.

I suppose our tour guide used actual words instead of gibberish, but I stopped paying attention about twenty minutes ago. Meanwhile, the rest of my classmates who chose to come stood entranced, staring at their surroundings like they’d never seen anything so amazing in their lives. Honestly. It’s a castle. They’re big, they’re gaudy, they’re like bad leftovers (no one wants to eat them and no one wants to throw them away), and they’re places I’ve wandered about since I was old enough walk around on my own without tripping and falling — and thus breaking — some priceless heirloom.

“Excellent tapestries, blah yadda yadda blaaaaah.”

Someone please stab me in the eye with a dull spoon. Anything would be more exciting than listening to this elderly man jabbering on about this seven armed candelabra.

“And now,” I muttered under my breath, “if you proceed through this corridor, you will see prime examples of the NeoEuropean décor.”

Tina stepped on my foot before the tour guide could hear me mocking him.

I have the unfortunate luck of being the daughter of two of the leading experts in NeoEuropean monarchs and palaces. Mom and dad can’t get enough of anything gold leafed, gaudy, and tapestry covered. I wish I could say this obsession started when my very American father married my very Britlandish mother — but my father met my mother while on assignment at New Cardiff Castle.

It was love at first sight. Gag me.