After The Madness Workshop # B-7

It’s three weeks into my freshman year and no one, much less a certain best friend of my big brother, knows I exist.  Except for Tammy. And Brian, of course, but middle school friends don’t count in high school. It’s no big surprise, really. A girl with all the answers is not going to be the most popular girl in school. 

B’s notes: It’s really important to have a stellar first sentence. This one isn’t bad, but why not her big brother? It’s his best friend, right? Where’s her brother? Why does it matter that her brother’s best-friend ignored her. I’d make this sentence tighter and hook us. Why don’t middle school friends count. Going into high school, your friends from middle school mean the world to you.

“Hey, Katie.” Brian whispers, trying to get my attention on the sly.

But Mr. Hughes is looking my way, so I keep my trap shut for once. Sweat gleams on his forehead. An Indian Summer has turned our cinder block classroom into a stinky beige oven.

“Katie,” Brian whispers again, “Do you know why they call it Indian Summer?”

B’s notes: I’d lose the first ‘Indian Summer’ reference and have Brian tell her about it. It shows us his character – he knows something she doesn’t.

I stare blankly at him, confused by the jumble of my thoughts and his words. Did he just read my mind or did I read his?

“Never mind,” Brian says, looking bummed. He means well, really. He’s just a chronic over-sharer of useless information. I shrug off the weirdness and whisper back.(Put this sentence in the paragraph below with her dialogue.)

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Well, the theory is European colonies expected raids by Native American war parties late in the summer, so they called it Indian—“

“Excuse me, Brian,” Mr. Hughes says, “Let’s keep our minds on biology, shall we? As I was saying, today we will discuss the structures of the cell. But first I have a little surprise for you.”

He turns to his desk and scoops up an armload of photocopies. We hold our collective breath.

B’s notes: I remember the pitch for this one, and I was intrigued by her physic gift. The writing is good here, but I think you need to add something more to this scene to draw the reader in. Maybe a little humor. The setting isn’t unique here, and I’m not hooked yet. If you’re going to start off in a class room, you’ll have to have something unique happen to set it apart from all the other manuscripts that start off in classroom settings. Does your story really start here? I’ve had to cut entire chapters before to get to where my story actually started.